The Bruises We Don’t See

My dear and good friend Cherub, an infrequent contributor I've introduced before, (usually found healing people or trying to make our planet more livable,) has shared an essay on a very important topic, bullying.

I don't know that we spent a lot of time discussing my childhood, back when Cherub was part of a BDSM triad with Blissful Torment and myself, so I'm not sure if she is aware that I was a victim of bullying in my youth.  It was probably mentioned in passing but never discussed at length, as it's not a topic I dwell upon or discuss much.

My Father's solution to the bullying problem was to teach me how to fight back, as he taught me more than a few fighting tricks he'd learned himself as a youth attending Military School, where he'd been bullied himself. I learned to defend myself well enough to turn the tables on bullies when they tried to push me around.

The most sure way I found to put a bully in their place was to respond in kind, and teach them what it felt like to have someone sitting on their chest pummeling them senseless.  I know that as a former victim it felt very good to turn the tables.

As a rational adult who's no longer threatened with bullying, I realize that answering violence with violence is never a solution.  I do know in my heart that the best answer, is always prevention.  

Meaning a focus on awareness and education . . . 

A PSA FROM AN OTHERWISE TYPICALLY SELF ABSORBED NAVEL GAZER (OR, SIMPLY A CRASS PLEA FOR YOUR TIME AND MONEY)

Good morning, or whatever time it is as you’re reading this. I find it easiest to express myself in real time stream of thought (s); I’ve been lying in bed contemplating the forthcoming subject and usually I think about something, then get up and by the time I’ve had coffee, heard some news and got on with my day the thoughts are processed but unrecorded. Today I don’t have to get ready for anything anytime soon, I don’t want to be distracted by one more crushing scary current event, so I’ve sat down with my tunes to share my musings.

April 23-30 is Anti-Bullying Awareness Week. It seems to me that people of the BDSM community are well placed to speak to the issues of the consequences of living in a culture that torments the queer. Taunts them to death in some cases, with merciless psychological and physical abuse. This would be a good place for our editor Michael to cite the sad statistics of suicide, homelessness and the myriad attendant results such as prostitution, drug abuse- all the afflictions of the outsider caste.  If you are lucky to be reading this on your computer at home, with a nice internet connection and all the accoutrements of civility, and are drawn to, or our living the reality of a BSDM consciousness in your life you are a fortunate brave minority.

I tend to take my life and freedom to be who I am for granted. I forget that in more places than not in our great democracy being queer in any fashion and owning it is inviting others to torture your sense of self into a warped self-loathing vision of what you think you’re supposed to be to escape the pain of not being accepted by your family and the world at large. I’m not suggesting that anyone living an alternative life come out en masse as show of solidarity for all the young misfits, that is unrealistic. I do suggest that you in some manner mentor, or support the programs out there that are reaching out to LGBT youth, and along with them, the kids who aren’t even sexually identified, but who by their inherent sensitivity and creativity are targets of bullying. (It’s not just other kids bullying, it’s grown ups too.)

I feel comfortable speaking to the issue because of my personal experience- I was an odd kid to begin with, different because I was raised in an open minded, liberal, affectionate family. They advocated for, and supported my dissent. Alas, I still had to go to public school and was subjected to the humiliation of being myself in a paradigm that glorifies conformity.  Think about how terrifying it would be to have to endure the hell of being picked on, with no support from loved ones, because if they knew the truth, they would hate you too. What would it be like to feel brave and inspired by some celebrity touting equal rights and acceptance for gay people, to come out, and find yourself thrown on the street in some shitty little town with no shelter, (or maybe even worse, sent to some militant Christian hetero boot camp…) Perhaps you escape to a big city, where you are taken in by unscrupulous people who will exploit you in the guise of accepting you.

The next time you pass by a pack of dirty, obnoxious scary looking crusty punk kids, remember that in different circumstances, without the serendipity of meeting a few right people at the right time, that could be you at that bus station, or in that doorway totally helpless and with no basic resources to even begin to figure out how to save yourself.

Michael has noted often that people into BDSM are typically well educated and have some amount of extra income.  I hope that after reading this you will give some thought to donating time, clothes, food or money to the groups that are trying to help outcast kids.  Without intervention, if they survive these kids grow up to be outcast adults, and the chain of abuses and exploitations grows longer.

The shelters and kitchens that serve teens and adolescents are in desperate need and are only kept going by individuals who identify with them, but were lucky enough to escape being pushed to the fringes of existence. I know that times are tight, and it is hard to even support oneself, let alone attempting to share the burden of helping those in need. It is possible though- and if material or emotional support isn’t an option for you, mention a bit of this essay in your blog, and encourage others to pass it along.

I know that get so caught up in maintaining the integrity of my “otherness” in this world, that I forget that there are other others out there that could really benefit from me/us acknowledging them and letting them know that we think they are amazing beautiful people whose birthright is to be happy and safe.

Cherub - A Relatively Short Biography

Evening Mood by
William-Adolphe Bouguereau

A Relatively Short Biography

I am a forty year old woman. My trade is massage therapy, my true avocation is writing. Ever since I was little, I knew I was a writer.

One of my earliest memories is sitting next to my Dad’s bookshelf with a stack of notebook paper and a pen carefully filling in the lines with “writing” even though I hadn’t learned to make letters yet. I was a precocious brat child, and still am. I was raised in a grid of desolate suburban tract homes, in a city bordered by a river on one side, and corn and bean fields on the other. It was an industrial farming town, if that makes any sense, with not much culture to offer.

I lived in books, I read and read and read to the exclusion of any of the “normal” things that kids did. I was that weird little kid that made the other mothers nervous. I learned that knowledge and the ability to perceive and curiosity makes most people uncomfortable. When one persists in asking why of those who don’t care or don’t want to know hatred and fear and mistrust fester.

Of course the ignorant taunt what they don’t understand, so I was bullied and ostracized even by teachers who should have known better. I suffered through public education, my anger and confusion grew into a detestation of authority and being told what to do.

I discovered the Dead Kennedy’s, thanks to my mom being impressed by Jello Biafra’s refutation of Tipper Gore and the PMRC on Donahue - she actually went out and bought me a copy of Frankenchrist…my real teachers were Frank Herbert, JD Salinger, David Bowie, and then any punk I could get my hands on.

I discovered The Cure, my Dad heard me listening to Killing an Arab, dug out his old college copy of The Stranger…then I got into all his old college anthologies...This was all before high school. I wrote and wrote, read and read…finally I was out of school, but with no money to go to college. I read Waiting For the Light Waiting for the Dark and felt like an artists who had suffered under communism and when the wall fell and when I could do whatever I wanted, put out whatever I wanted I was paralyzed.

Me and a little gang of fellow outcasts drove and smoked and drank and explored all the seediness we could find…working stupid service jobs and trying to make our lives interesting. We all still secretly kind of hated ourselves, for being gay, too bright…for not fitting in. So we were all on a mission to destroy ourselves so the world wouldn’t have the pleasure of doing it.

Around this time I met Michael. He was about ten years older than me, had a cool job, a cool place to live, cool girlfriend, the most awesome weed, cd’s and stereo. (Hey, I was 19…) He was the first person I’d ever met who could go to ropes in a conversation with me- and he liked me too.

As he introduced me to his world I began to learn that it was possible to live without submitting to the paradigm of American status quo sub intelligence. Through the bondage play I participated in, I discovered that our bodies and minds are miraculous, that even though I wasn’t “normal” it didn’t matter because I was beautiful and valuable and happiness was my birthright.

Even though I’ve not been involved in a sadomasochistic relationship since, my experience has informed much of my evolution since then, I credit my time with Michael with helping me heal the outcast wound and become productive, and help other people through the work I do as a massage therapist.

It’s taken some time to be comfortable in my head and skin, and to trust that just as my heart and hands can heal others, perhaps my poetry and stories can as well. Blogging is a whole new forum, one that I’ve been daunted by, hesitant to put my work out there. Lo- here is Michael once again with a safe open space for us smarties with things to say and feel. My wish is that I can continue to share all manner of my work here, and the people who need it or want it will find it.  

Cherub 

2/2012

prophylactic pornography (pt. 2)

I’m having flashbacks to having a paper due and waiting until the last minute to finish it.

I’ve been hemming and hawing for a week about what my opinion on the mandatory use of condoms in porn is. Honestly, I have to say that I am not a porn consumer, and I’ve thought about porn and it’s moral implications more in the past week than I ever have.

Some porn I’ve found exciting, and beautiful, some disturbing and disgusting. However, I don’t dispute that what I find disturbing, some find exciting. Everyone has the right to explore and enjoy their sexuality however they want.

Sex is tricky though, and really we have to rely and trust that commercial sex won’t propogate harm against other beings. We belong to a species that produces John Muirs and Joseph Goebbels, and most of us are flailing along in the ethical soup between the two.

So, the other day in my porn-o-centric frame of mind; I was in line behind a well heeled fellow at the meat counter at Whole Foods. I was irritated, I knew what I wanted, had a bus to catch, and this guy was asking everything short of the possible name of the person who had fed his chops when they were still trotting around. 

I thought it likely that at some point this man had watched some porn, maybe with his wife, husband, or hiding out in his den on the ‘puter after his family was asleep. I wondered if the provenance of his porn was as important to him as the production of the pork he was buying.

Did he care if the performers had proper health care, if their STD screenings were current? If they consented to do the scene without a condom because they couldn’t afford to take a pay cut because they had bills to pay?

In the course of researching whether or not performers should be required by the government that one piece kept coming up- performers who insist on condom use are paid less than their counterparts who take the risk. Because it is a risk to have “unprotected sex” with a partner(s) who also has had multiple partners.

In my system of belief, we take on the energy of the sentient beings we eat for sustenance and pleasure, therefor I choose not to eat animal protien that has been raised in hideous unnatural conditions. What does this have to do with sexual behavior and porn consumption?

Just as I can’t enjoy a cut of meat from an animal that I know was grown in darkeness and filth and fed poisonous feed; I can’t derive pleasure from watching people having sex in a fashion that could be potentially putting them at risk for contracting a disease.

Admitedly, I suffer from crushing empathy at times, sometimes I feel sad to tears when I see an elderly person checking out groceries and struggling with a heavy bottle of detergent. There is some porn that I watched and couldn’t get into it because I couldn’t stop wondering about what the woman was thinking - if she wished they would hurry up so she could get her kid out of daycare, or if this was the last time she had to do this to pay off a loan.

Other times I think “god, that is amazing- I wish that was me!” That’s just me- how I feel. Does it answer the question of whether or not the government should make porn performers wear condoms? Make them all wear rubbers so I can watch more porn? What about the people who like their porn without condoms? Do they have a civil right to pay to watch un-safe sex?

Rick Santorum

It is dangerous when the government tries to regulate anything having to do with sexual ethics - take what uber fuckstick Rick Santorum has to say on the subject of condoms /contraception, “It’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that are counter to the way things are supposed to be.”  Brrrrrrr That makes me want to wear ten condoms all the time and do as many things the way they aren’t to be done as much as I can over and over. (And I don’t even have a penis to put the damn condom on, but if I did…)

So, yeah-  if it promotes and facilitates the dissemination of the kind of sex that Rick Santorum, and the Pope, and others of his ilk think are scary, bad, and wrong - then yes, make it mandatory to wear condoms in porn.

Cherub

2-2012

prophylactic pornography (pt. 1)

It's said in some circles that the mark of true intelligence is the ability to see both sides of an argument equally.  I don't know if that's literally true or not, but I do know that I'm a former member of MENSA (beware the intellectual dominant) and that I've also been many different things in my life.  At times I've adopted what seem to be conflicting viewpoints.  Regardless of popular opinion, I've always been a seeker of real truth.

Seeking truth is something I share with Serafina.  She's quite the rebel you know, especially when you consider how profoundly submissive she is to me.  Serafina has been kicked out of churches for asking too many questions, not to mention her willingness to enter into debate on the finer points of the real meaning behind biblical texts.

And, intelligently seeking the truth is something I also share with the ultimate author of this post, my dear friend (not to mention former lover and play partner) Cherub.  Our past relationships have had both good and bad moments (an understatement all around) but we have forged a strong long distance friendship out of the ashes of that exciting, but difficult, past.
Cherub has always been a great writer, I'm actually surprised that she's not had novels published.  I think it's less a matter of talent than one of opportunity, as I know personally that it's hard to find enough time and energy to write the Great American Novel when working hard just to support yourself.

All of these words are my way of building up to say that I recently asked Cherub to become a regular contributor at SpiritualBDSM.com, perhaps she'll even pen the great american novel for us here in installments, who can say?   For now, she's graciously agreed to my giving her regular writing assignments, and the results of her first assignment are complete.

Cherub will be discussing the recent move in Los Angeles towards requiring all pornography filmed within their jurisdiction to use condoms.  Because of my own long winded introduction, her work is split into two parts, and I promise not to intrude at all in the followup to be posted tomorrow.

When Master Samadhi proposed I write an essay on the topic of mandatory condom use in porn, I immediately set out to educate myself on the provenance of the proposed ordinance before the LA city council.  I needed to take a look at what both sides were saying before committing myself to an opinion.

As of this writing, the city council has voted nine to one in favor of the mandatory use of condoms for performers exchanging bodily fluids through sex. (And yes, the vote took place when most of the industries major representatives were attending The Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas.) It is now up to the mayor to vote on the implementation. There is also a finincial aspect, the new law would require film makers to pay an 85 dollar permit fee, which would be used to fund enforcement.

Compliance with the law would be enforced by means of suprise visits to film sets. California and Federal law already require the use of condoms through workforce safety rules, but porn companies have resisted these rules, claiming that the use of condoms would force film production companies to go underground, or leave the US, which would increase health risks to performers.

Since 2004, the industry has self regulated - performers must be screened for STD’s every 30 days. In the years since then, there have been several industry wide shut downs of production when a performer has tested positive for HIV. The main supporter of the law is the Aids Healthcare Foundation, which contends that the measure is needed because the industry has failed to police itself.

The Free Speech Coalition is an advocacy group for the pornography business, and their position is that the law could be deemed un- constitutional and that the legislation of sexual behavior (real or fantasy) is always a bad idea.

I have gotten most of my background information from on-line articles posted on the Guardian UK site. I think it’s safe to assume that that publication doesn’t have any significant interest in the eight billion dollars a year in revenue porn produces, 90% of which is made in the San Fernando Valley.

Cherub
2-2012

Cherub's request

Back in my 20's and 30's I'd always prided myself on maintaining cordial relationships with former lovers.  My first wife (Charlene) and I slept together off and on for 5 years after our divorce.  While it wasn't perfect, we knew each others needs pretty well, and the reason we'd divorced never had anything to do with sexual incompatibility.  I mean the sex was good enough for her that she even had a couple three ways with my second wife and I.

A lot of that ended with my second wife (Ms Torment), the cordiality that is . . . She had a way of burning bridges, not only for herself, but for everyone around too.

Ms. Torment was a beautiful lady who I now realize was also a narcissistic.  Eventually I learned that my style of dominance isn't a good fit for a narcissus styled submissive, and it only took me a little over a decade to figure it out.

In my defense, she was pretty, she was bisexual too, and she very much believed in our being polyamorists.  I mean what's a man not to like about that?  Oh, I mean other than the constant need for validation that drives some narcissistic people to become unfaithful.

When it was all said and done, the only bridge to my past I've found worthy of repair is a young lady, Cherub, that Ms. Torment and I "dated" off and on for the better part of a decade.  I had to think about that for a moment.  You see we started dating Cherub when she was 19, and the math doesn't add up quite right if we dated her for 10 years and she's still 29 . . .

I know that youth is wasted on the young, but when I was in my 20's and 30's I had no realization of how fortunate I truly was.  Ms. Torment and I had a wonderful string of lovers who were also friends, Cherub being the one who was the best match, intellectually and sexually.

Although we all played at being switches when dating Cherub, in a BDSM context I will always picture her best as a Domme.  One night Cherub and I started spanking Ms. Torment as co-dominants.  Our scene lasted hours.  We may have gotten Ms Torment inebriated with a watered down wine enema (don't try that at home yourselves kiddies!) And, we may have even included some illicit hallucinogens into the mix for everyone (again not on the suggested activity list!)  

But the whole night was a beautiful thing to behold.  Cherub got inside Torment's head and stayed there the whole night.  I've never in person witnessed anyone who got a stronger submissive reaction from "Missy" - as Cherub took to calling the woman who normally prided herself on tormenting others.

If I snapped my fingers at Ms Torment, I'd usually expect a growl in return.  When Cherub snapped her fingers that night, lil' Missy turned and came to heel!

We spanked Ms Torment off and on for something like 5 hours, slow and drawn out, but at times quite severely.  The riding crop we were using had a significant knot on the end where the flapper attached to the crop's stick.  It left little bruises all over Torment's ass and the backs of her thighs that didn't show in candle light.

Torment's ass would get glowing and sore and red, Cherub would pour massage oil down her ass crack and rub it into the burning ass cheeks.  Once Torment's breathing slowed and her ass started to wiggle with desire, Cherub resumed the whuppin'.  At first I joined in on the fun, Cherub and I alternated cheeks and blows, making a blindfolded Torment guess who had landed the last one.

I couldn't believe a sweet girl like Cherub had that kind of natural Domme in her, and as the evening progressed I found myself gazing on in shock and awe, becoming less of a participant and more of a voyeur.  That's the way I'll always picture sweet Cherub, with my bratty second wife over her knee!

But I digress, while this post's about Cherub, it's not about yesterday, it's about the here and now.  She's the one individual from that past who I'm still in contact with.  Since she's not local, and because of our intimate past, I felt free sharing some of my writing with her, writing that ended up on this blog.

Knowing I'm doing some sex blogging and reviews, sweet Cherub asked for a gift recommendation for herself.  Knowing that the choice of a toy is a very personal thing, and not wanting to make assumptions about preferences I might not even necessarily have known a few years back, I asked a few key questions.

Here's the answer I got:

I do have some parameters for my toy, and thank you for asking. I'm mildly allergic to latex- not epi pen throat closing up, but itchy and hive-y. Clitoral stimulation is not my main concern- I'm rather fond of stimulating myself with my fingers to be ready for penetration. Realism is not a priority either, I don't require simulated veins and such. I figure this is for me, by me and I don't necessarily want to replicate the actual feeling of penetration with a partner. I think I want to experience something unique that is a gift to myself-not a substitute for intercourse with someone I am fond of. Which brings me to the tricky question-size. Um- typically I have experienced the most pleasure in penetration with men who have had modestly sized penises. I've had few encounters with men sporting "big cocks" and those left me feeling sort of used and hollow. I realise of course that could also be due to the fact that those encounters did not involve very much emotional affection. I am just not wired to feel that mythical electric lust at first sight. I don't see someone and think, "oh, wow- I really want him to fuck me!" It's more like, "oh wow! he is so cool, I love how he thinks, I wonder if he wants to fuck me?" So, totally diverging from the matter of size. I feel like goldilocks- all right- girth is preferable to legnth...So- is that the information you need?

Yes indeed, it's enough to go on my dear.

The other criteria I had, was budgetary.  Cherub is a masterful massage therapist I'm told, but that's not a profession that's going to lead to immense riches, so she's a lady on a budget.  My suggestion needed to remove less than $50 from her hard earned paycheck.

I also took into consideration her values and lifestyle.  Cherub isn't going to feel good about a toy from China.   She wasn't letting anything with phthalates into her apartment, let alone into a more private space of her person.  I'm sure she'd prefer something made here in the US, and no doubt she'd like the manufacturer to be both environmentally conscious and worker friendly.

One fun thing about being a gear slut is that I've spent more than my share of time shopping for adult toys.  I study this stuff for fun, it's a hobby quickly turning into obsession.  So I had the answer for Cherub's request in mind almost as quickly as I read her note.

The manufacturer I suggested for this intelligent and environmentally conscious lady is Tantus.  They meet every criteria she gave me, and all the extras I already knew to be her preferences too.  Choosing a model wasn't too difficult either, as one of their closeout models is a wonderful bargain.

My suggestion was the Tantus Echo.

I don't know if it's the color Cherub would choose for herself, but we choose the Midnight Purple, it's a really nice toy color.  Yes, I recommended a toy already in the Samadhi Toy box.  You see, before I stand behind a recommendation, I always . . . . errrrr . . . . ummmm . . . "stand behind" that toy.

As I've said before, when it comes to dildos, I believe it's far better to give than to receive.  So in this case "standing behind" means I've given it a push.

So I'll push it again here.

This is the one you want Cherub dear.  I can't say it'll be as good as a new pair of boots at attracting a great man, but it may help assure you want that potential "Mr Right" only for the right reasons.

Hugs and kisses from your old friend, former lover, sometimes co-conspirator, and occasional Dom.

Michael
12-28-2011