Our blog's one year anniversary passed quietly earlier this month, unnoticed even by the blog's authors. I'd hate to say we are oblivious right now, but that does seem to be the case. Serafina and I are preoccupied with a number of different things.
I guess that's sometimes how life ends up, passing by, leaving you feeling a little bit like you are watching it go by while you sit behind glass in a greyhound bus. It's something I need to snap out of, I'm not a "leave the driving to us" kinda guy.
Today is another anniversary, it's been one year since my Mother's passing. If you are feeling sensitive today, or perhaps you simply don't wish to read about death, this is probably a good time to stop reading . . .
I was looking back at the blog, and I saw my post about being under the weather on the 29th last year. I was home with what I thought was a flu bug (I've since realized it's just the peak of ragweed season and it leaves me miserable every year at this time.) I got a call from the hospital that my Mother wasn't doing well, she was going to have to be intubated and taken to ICU. I begged off going in, not wanting to spread my flu to Mom, and thinking it was not the worst news, Mom had been thru three previous ICU visits in the previous 3 years, hell it was almost turning into a routine. I sent Serafina to the Hospital in my stead.
An hour later, I got the call. Mom had refused to go on the ventilator, instead she had chosen to die. At that point I went to the hospital despite the flu, it wasn't like my little bug was going to harm Mom at that point anyway.
She passed away the next day, at about 1 pm, I was with her holding her hand and gently telling her she was loved. I think it's the most difficult thing I've ever endured, sitting with her those last 24 hours. Death did not come gently like the night . . .
I'm sorry to burden you with this rememberence, unfortunately life isn't always sexy or fun. All I have to share today is raw emotion, it's going to be a long day I'm sure . . .
My father died two years ago this August. And it wasn't easy. The anniversaries of death aren't easy either are they.
ReplyDeleteHaving done several posts in this vein, I don't think they are a burden on the reader (I am biased of course), I think they are just one of the ways we mark our loss and help ourselves process the many faces grief takes over time.
I hope that you are able to take the time you need for yourself today.
Wishing the best for you and Serafina.
lil
Thank you for your kind words, and I am sorry for the loss of your Father, as I know that losing a parent changes our lives in ways we never might have imagined.
DeleteCongratulations on the anniversary of your blog. Condolences on the loss of your Mother. I imagine that it feels like it was just yesterday. Sending positive thoughts to you both.
ReplyDeleteYou were a great son - to stay with her even though it was hard, painful, terrifying, and giving you a sense of helplessness. You were there. You held her hand. You helped her leave this world knowing she was loved!!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to think she would be smiling down with pride, although I am a little bit afraid she would approve of the dungeon bed and st. andrews cross in what used to be her living room!
ReplyDelete