If there is love and respect . . love, commitment and submission will flow.
When respect moves out so will love and there is no submission in that. . . so you either have it and it grows in understanding, or you can be open and engage as . . . . and when you are ready
But now we are moving into the true areas of submission --submission of the soul. Scary stuff!
If there is trust. . . and I certainly do NOT :!: mean blind, untested trust. . . you can let it happen. . .that is all :|
if there is a viable seed it will grow and live and continue unless some event plucks it. . . if carefully tended it may well bloom and bear fruit!
are we not like seeds :?: and plants :?:
Now my husband orders for me at restaurants all the time, but i feel loved and protected when he does so, but he always asks me what I like!! I am guessing you have the same. . . and yes those actions make me feel like I belong and safe. . . security that arises from full trust and confidence in him.
That is the difference that people are seeing here, and anything that is birthed from fear or forced obligation is not submission at all . . . it is subjection. another word could be slavery.
It is one thing to be a love-slave for someone and quite another to be a slave of which the definition is
Noun 1. a person legally owned by another for whom he or she has to work without freedom, pay, or rights 2. a person under the domination of another or of some habit or influence: a slave to party doctrine 3. Informal a badly-paid person doing menial tasks
I fully give myself to Master Michael. I love him with all my heart, soul and thought. Everything I do and am revolves first around Master. Beyond that I find some things I enjoy on my own when and if there is time and energy. I come second. However I also know that I come first in Master's mind. It works!
Beauty is an ecstasy; it is as simple as hunger. There is really nothing to be said about it. It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all.
The 50 Shades trilogy is entrenched in the top three spots on Amazon's Kindle chart, but a number of e-books with BDSM elements have also crept into the top 100. As of July 17, excluding the 50 Shades books, there were seven titles with BDSM themes in the top 100, which means that, including E.L. James's books, more than one out of 10 bestselling Kindle books fell into this category. The seven non-50 Shades e-books included Sylvia Day's Bared to You, which was #8, and that book's upcoming sequel, Reflected in You (#65). Day's books are published by Penguin and are the only two that have print versions. The other five BDSM titles in the top 100 are e-book only and are $2.99 and under. The seven titles, all of which were published after Vintage rereleased the 50 Shades books in April 2012, are as follows: Bared to You by Sylvia Day (#8) Anything He Wants by Sara Fawkes (#25) Training Tessa by Lyla Sinclair (#28) By His Desire by Kate Grey (#62) Anything He Wants 2 by Sara Fawkes (#63) Reflected in You by Sylvia Day (#65) Anything He Wants 3 by Sara Fawkes (#68) On Amazon's print chart, the only similarly themed title (outside of Day's books) is Marisa Bennett's Fifty Shades of Pleasure: A Bedside Companion, landing at #66.
So it seems that a full 10% of the current top 100 top selling titles for Kindle have some BDSM as a part of their content, the 7 books listed along with the full 50 Shades series. I'm not exactly sure what to make of this trend, on it's surface it would seem rather promising, if nothing else than to indicate a higher level of acceptance for BDSM than we've ever before experienced as a community.
I guess acceptance is good, if you're into that sort of thing. I've always enjoyed being a rebel and doing things that were considered risky or dangerous. Oh please don't get me wrong, my risks are always calculated and tempered with competency in technique, but I liked to travel the edge.
When I started combining bondage and sex at age 17 in 1980 I was heading down an pretty indistinct path, a road less traveled The path I trekked down was like a foot path, I wasn't breaking ground, but there were not masses beating the bush to follow in my footsteps either.
Some folks would call it "progress" but that foot path slowly became wider and more distinct, as I've aged it's grown in various stages to the point where the popularity of BDSM is starting to approach superhighway status. As a community we have more choices and options than ever before . . . But as the BDSM community becomes more and more mainstream, I also lose the sense that I'm playing on the edge, and that leaves me feeling a bit ambivalent.
I feel somewhat similar emotions when a band I've enjoyed for years turns the corner from semi-popularity to stardom. It's great to have my tastes and predilections validated with popularity, but it seems that along with mass appeal and acceptance there often comes a certain sort of blandness and loss of direction that can accompany commercialism.
I guess that's my fear, that we're about to become a commodity rather than a community. I see signs of it happening with individuals attempting to ride the coattails of the 50 Shades phenomena with not only a bedside companion, but now even an alternative lifestyles personal life coach running "50 Shades of Curious" seminars.
This isn't exactly what I'd envisioned when I said to my friend Cherub, some 20 odd years ago, that the BDSM community needed to get organized, that we were a generation behind the GLBT community in fighting for acceptance.
Bringing to mind the the title of this piece . . .
"The Superior now informed me that having taken the black veil, it only remained that I should swear the three oaths customary on becoming a nun; and that some explanation would be necessary from her. I was now, she told me, to have access to every part of the edifice, even the cellar, where two of the sisters were imprisoned for causes that she did not mention. I must be informed that one of my great duties was to obey the priests in all things; and this I soon learnt, to my utter astonishment and horror, was to live in the practice of criminal intercourse with them. I expressed some of the feelings which this announcement excited in me, which came upon me like a flash of lightning; but the only effect was to set her arguing with me, in favour of the crime, representing it as a virtue acceptable to God, and honourable to me. The priests, she said, were not situated like other men, being forbidden to marry; while they lived secluded, laborious, and self-denying lives for our salvation. They might be considered our saviours, as without their service we could not obtain pardon of sin, and must go to hell. Now it was our solemn duty, on withdrawing from the world, to consecrate our lives to religion, to practice every species of self-denial. We could not be too humble, nor mortify our feelings too far; this was to be done by opposing them and acting contrary to them; and what she proposed was, therefore, pleasing in the sight of God. I now felt how foolish I had been to place myself in the power of such persons as were around me."
~~ Maria Monk - Awful Disclosures of Maria Monk, or, The Hidden Secrets of a Nun's Life in a Convent Exposed
There are undeniable links in our brains between aroma and both mood and memory. There's no escaping the fact that certain fragrances can very strongly evoke memories of long past events, friends, family, and (of course) former lovers.
The smell of leather is one particular aroma that tends to elicit a strong emotional response. I'll never forget regularly walking the length of the local mall with my mother, trekking away from the stores where she usually shopped, on down to the chain leather goods store she loved to visit. It wasn't that mom bought anything at the store, neither black nor brown leather were her style, she just loved to visit for the smell.
Mom wasn't a particularly sexual creature, and the best I can remember her visits to the leather store to sniff were the closest I ever got to witnessing her take a hedonistic thrill from anything, she really was that much of a prude. For whatever reason, for whatever warm emotion it evoked, she did love that leather smell.
While I do remember the distinctive smell from shopping with mom, leather doesn't so much elicit memories of visits to the mall, as much as it makes me remember my visits to a dedicated leatherman's store on Lincoln Avenue in Chicago, Male Hide Leathers. I learned recently that the store no longer exists, and it made me more than a little bit sad. The last time I had visited was 2001. I read that it closed in 2004 after the death of the store's co-owner.
Without a doubt, the special aroma of leather is one of the scents most strongly associated with BDSM. The connections are inescapable. The BDSM scene was once called the "Leather Culture" by some, and of course there are currently events like International Mister Leather and organizations like National Leather Association that continue the association.
I had all of that in the back of my mind this morning when I happened into a series of articles that, like an aroma, stirred memories and emotions. Of all places, the articles are to be found on a blog devoted to the art of perfumes, The Perfume Shrine. It's fascinating stuff that has occupied my attention for the last couple of hours, so I felt compelled to share links to the post that make up the series, as well as some brief excerpts.
Leather Series 1: Definition and ClassificationThe aroma of leather in scent is akin to smelling a forest of silver birches in the cold ringing air for the first time, inhaling the insides of a pallisander humidor full of “Cohiba” accompanied with a good malt in a tumbler. It's the razor strap of an old-fashioned barbershop and the smell of saddle and leather-bound old books or savouring a post-coital cigarette. Much like the latter it is often hard to resist and a habit difficult to curb. Whether one is familiar with perfume lingo or not, fragrances rich in the tannic essence of leather are bound to make an impression, be it one of rapture or one of abjection. It is no coincidence that either of those two sentiments usually ensues on people smelling leathery scents: there is seems to be no middle ground.
Leather Series 2: Scented Leather and its OriginsThe real craze for leather goods in the mid-16th century and especially gloves was allegedly imposed by Marie de de Médicis (1575-1642), queen consort and part of the Medici family. Lured by perfumes from Cyprus, the famous chyprés, she sent for her Florentine perfumer Tombarelli to come to Grasse, where the flowers were renowned, instructing him to capture their ambience in perfumed essences. It was thus that Grasse knew a rebirth in economical terms. Tanneries profited from the trend producing the famous Gants à la Frangipane, from the name of the Roman family of the 12th century. Thus the name “frangipani” enters the scented vernacular. The gloves were made by odorizing the leather with fresh jasmine flowers (in lieu of plumeria fowers) for 8 days and fixating the scent with the use of civet and musk.
Leather Series 3: ProductionRendering a leather note in perfumery is a challenge for the perfumer who must coax this difficult and cult note into submission to make it sing with the rest of the composition. Production relies on two different courses: naturally derived and synthesized in a lab. Both account for a potent aroma of smoky and alteratively drier or sweeter notes, characteristic of the cuir family.
Leather Series 4: A touch of Regal StenchFor centuries, leather and scent have gone hand in hand; and for centuries, that hand was sheathed in the finest of gloves… Like his predecessors on Western thrones from Catarina di Medici onwards, King George III (1738-1820) – the English monarch whose reign was interrupted by his descent into madness - shielded his regal nose from stench with a wave of a fragrant glove.
Leather Series 5: Cuir de Russie vs Peau d'EspagneSpanish leather (peau d'Espagne) has a fascinating background that goes back in history as well. In the 16th century, tanners used to scent chamois with essences of flowers, herbs and fruits and as a final step smear it with civet and musk. This was known as Peau d’Espagne (Spanish skin). Chamois is by itself a sensual material: silky, feeling wonderful in the hand, contributing its own leather undertone, providing depth and softness.
Leather Series 6: Kinky whiffsCan it possibly be a coincidence, then, that leather scents and leather fetishism are strictly contemporary, born in the same decade of the late 19th century? Check the dates: quinolines, which lend their characteristic smoky-tarry notes to most leather perfumes, were synthesized around 1880. The first recorded Cuir de Russie was composed by Aimé Guerlain in 1875; Eugène Rimmel launched his the following year.
Leather Series 7: The Garçonne Leathers of the 1920sIt’s hard to realize nowadays the utter shock it must’ve been, for men who grew up alongside women in corsets and bustles, with huge flowered hats teetering on their long upswept tresses, to see them mutating into the cocktail-swigging, cigarette-smoking, car-driving, bob-haired, short-skirted breed Americans called “flappers” and the French, “garçonnes”. This second, much more telling designation (a feminization of the word for “boy” in French, “garcon”), was popularized by the eponymous 1922 best-seller (700 000 copies) by the French author Victor Margueritte. With its liberated heroine’s sexual escapades (including a lesbian affair), La Garçonne was deemed so scandalous that Margueritte was stripped of his Légion d’Honneur…
Leather Series 8: The Garçonne Leathers of the 1920s (part 2)Tabac Blond was the opening salve of the garçonnes’ raid on gentlemen’s dressing tables. Its name evokes the “blonde” tobacco women had just started smoking in public (interestingly, Marlboros were launched as a women’s brand in 1924 with a red filter to mask lipstick traces). The fragrance was purportedly meant to blend with, and cover up, the still-shocking smell of cigarettes: smoking was still thought to be a sign of loose morals. Despite its name, Tabac Blond is predominantly a leather scent, the first of its family to be composed for women and as such, a small but significant revolution.
Leather Series 9: Leather scents of the 50sPerfumes consequently moved into the realm of demure floral, feminine floral chyprés and elegant cool aldehydics. Leather as a material had lost its emancipated allure of the Garconnes of the 20s and the toughness of the Nazi uniform of WWII, relegated into items of luxury denoting prestige: expensive, smooth handbags of stiff shape made from endangered species (ecoconsiousness had not entered people’s vernacular yet), heels in elongated impractical shapes, Chesterfield couches in gentlemen’s clubs. With a rebelious sideline of leather boots worn by Teddy Boys and youths copying Marlon Brando in “The Wild One”.
Leather Series 10: Les GaminesAs far as leather scents are concerned, the image prevailing in the first half of the 20th century was either one of emancipation and amazonesque flair or of luxurious leather goods and upholstery of posh venues catering to the tastes of the upper classes. Little by little something emerged from the fashion and cinematic world: a new frame of mind that distanced itself from the more traditionally sexualised images of the 50s a la Marilyn, but also patently different from the emancipated flappers of the 20s. Talking this over with my friend Denyse, she suggested the Gamine term and we pondered on it in order to describe the evolving cultural sensibilities in relation to fashion, olfaction and art in general. Leather Series 11: the Big BruisersPerfume directions often go the way of fashion trends and lifestyle choices, which sometimes translates as going the way of the dodo, and this is nowhere more obvious than in the leather scents that emerged in the late 70s and during the 80s. After the brief optimism of the mid-60s, the world entered a grim period of oil crisis, economic downfall and the threat of the planet suffering nuclear annihilation. So what emerged from this situation? Consumerism, the cult of the ego, striving for quick wealth and excessive partying all rolled into one big cigar! Bret Easton Ellis wasn’t far off in his American Psycho: there was some degree of paranoia running through the course of that era and the leathery scents that graced it partook of it in some degree. Leather Series 12: the Modern LeathersAfter the Big Bruisers of the 80s, so ingrained into the decade of decadence and carnality, leather scents took a back seat until the modern fragrance niche phenomenon erupted like a well-oiled explosive mechanism, issuing forgotten ripples into the stagnant pond of ozonic-marines of the early 90s. Suddenly those “weird” smells were cool again! Modern leather scents are divided in so many categories it was a Herculean feat trying to sort them out. There is a leather fragrance for every mood these days. So this little list is meant to help you navigate your way through the plethora on offer, but it's by no means a definitive guide: that would implicate your own nose.
At one time I hated the word submission. . . I cringed every time it was mentioned and I had heard many eloquent and passionate sermons thumped out browbeating women of their need to be submissive to their husbands. But with time and patience of the Creator, I have come to understand submission in a deep and beautiful way.
In our relationship I am submissive. .. . it does carry over into everyday life. . . but it is when we play- that it becomes front and center.. . .and it is then I call him sir or Master and remember to say and ask for things with much fanfare and flair!. . . we each have equal but very different responsibilities. . . and I always give way to what he wants. . . and of course he sees to it that I am happy.
I am a person who works best independently. . .as in finding appropriate solutions and doing a fine job. I do not like to have someone scrutinizing every move unless I ask for it because I am learning a new thing. If I have a job,task to do I do it with all my might and do not require supervision, and I am a leader in my own right also.
Pelicans on the Mississippi photo by Serafina
There are some things that I excel at and there are things Master excels at more than I. That does not mean that I should not attempt to increase my skills, in fact I am encouraged to continue to become the very best person I can become.
Like others have also said. . . our journey is ours and we decide how to shape that. . . and it happens when you discuss and communicate. . . LOTS!!
Someone shared with me :
“All my life, i have always been more passive. i don't like confrontation and would rather compromise to make others happy. . .”
I responded:
I am thinking that by passive you mean in a correct context as in non-confrontational , and giving way to decisions made by your husband, and having his back at all times with the kids, etc. . . and then you add that you would rather compromise to make others happy. . . .but what if he won't have your back?
What will happen when your little ones turn into teens-(and they will turn into one!) want to put a lock on their bedroom door for a way to have their "privacy", and your husband undermines your morals, agrees with your young teen, and loosens all rules and it is OK for your child and the friend of opposite sex to be left unattended in that bedroom from the moment they get out of school until a parent pick the boy up around 11:30 pm??? And hubby even helps install the lock :o
Will you be passive then :?:
I actually believe you are a truly and naturally a sweet submissive just like many of us are. . . others have to work much more carefully at it. . .
and I would hope that we do not resort to excusing ourselves by saying things like because I am submissive, I can not be held responsible for anything. . .
It is most important to be very careful about what you don't protect, because you can end up not being or getting deserved appreciated for making others happy . . . . and what happens is- when you bury or stifle your own happiness, it can turn into depression because you will become resentful and angry inside.
Protesting in support of the arrested members of Pussy Riot punk-band, an activist was symbolically ‘crucified’ on the cross in front of St. Petersburg's Cathedral of the Resurrection.
I can probably think of a few better uses for that cross than a political protest.
It's a crying shame nobody brought a flogger to the party!
If that's a topic that bothers you, please move along, nothing to see here. To be honest, it's a topic that bothers me, as I am a sex abuse survivor myself, a victim of repeated criminal sexual assaults by a serial abuser.
No, my abuser wasn't a football coach, but it was a similar trusted authority, a piano teacher. The incidents started when I was 12 years old, and lasted for more than three years. In relative terms, I was fortunate, in that I wasn't sodomized, my abuser simply enjoyed sucking the penis of young men. The guilt that I feel isn't so much for the acts which were performed, instead it's that I did nothing to prevent it from happening again to another young man.
I didn't tell anyone about the abuse until I was 18 years old. I told the sweet girl who became my first wife, and I have to say that she was incredibly supportive. I think she handled it far better than when I learned that my second wife had been raped, but in some sick and twisted fashion was still friends with her rapist because he sold good weed . . .
My first wife eventually convinced me to share my abuse with others. My parents handled the situation with their typical lack of compassion. I only had wished for their compassion, perhaps a healing word or two absolving me of guilt. It's not like a 12 year old can truly consent to sex of any kind with an adult . . . by it's very nature such contact is abuse.
I got the opposite of what I wanted. I'll never forget them telling me that I must have "got something" out of the abuse. In their minds the mere fact that anything sexual happened more than once was enough for them to believe that I had enjoyed the abuse. Obviously, to their minds, I'd gone back for more and encouraged my abuser. Didn't they remember my pleas for the piano lessons to stop?
With that in mind, I'd like to address the final judgement of the NCAA on the sordid tale of young boys being raped in the Penn State football locker room. I wrote once before on this issue, back in January, with a post titled - Rodney Erickson's morally bankrupt & Joe Paterno's criminal. At that point in time, "JoePa" as Paterno was sometimes called, was still alive, and the uncovering of the scandal was relatively recent news.
In relative terms, the NCAA's justice was swift, but it does not go nearly far enough. To my mind, that fact that the Penn State football program was allowed to continue to exist is an absolute affront to sex abuse survivors, as well as college football fans across our country. Penn State's punishment for having a culture that contributed to the rape of several innocent young men is a relative slap on the wrist considering the scope of the crimes and their cover-up.
OK, so if the imposed penalties aren't enough, what am I suggesting?
The football program that raped those boys should be disbanded, the stadiums and locker rooms where the abuse occurred should be torn asunder, broken down to bare earth and the bricks crushed into cinders . . .
As I said in my previous post -
I believe there's a low circle in Hell reserved for individuals who prey on the sexual innocence of youth. It's only shared with one other group, just as vile - their accomplices and apologizers. See you in Hell Joe!
This is a script from a conversation I had with another person on a submissives forum. . Names, etc have been changed.
Dogwood flowers
photo by Serafina
Sent: Wed May 13, 2009 12:29 pm
by Daisy
hi Serafina
thank you for the welcome note. in regard to the parent - child scenario, no i don't have children. i don't roleplay in this regard either, rather i use it as an example as if a child is punished for misbehaving or not following the parents rules, so should a wife be. i know punishment was always a deterrent for me as a child so i feel it should work as an adult. unfortunately, for me my husband does not punish so infractions are more frequent. i'm hopeful that joining this group will help me to be more obedient. i cant seem to locate a place where there are a concrete set of rules to follow.
Daisy
Re: welcome note
Sent: Wed May 13, 2009 5:44 pm
by Serafina
well thanks for pm-ing me I did not expect a private answer. . . You see, I am so opposite of your thinking. That does not mean that either of us is more correct. . . it is simple the way I understand . .let me explain. . .Marriage and relationships are built in an adult world. . . adults even supervise young children's relationships. . . . therefor a spouse would not dare to punish me for any infraction in my world. . .UNLESS it is strictly play. . it smacks of abuse excuse.
I am responsible for ME!
I am not responsible for my partner nor my friends much less acquaintances.. . . and I am pretty sure that no one is going to force you to do anything. . . because in the end YOU! . . my dear are going to take responsibility for YOU!
It is a leg in your journey called LIFE and learning to be submissive and and in that the submissive one holds all the power.
I wish you the very best and most interesting journey.
Your friend,
Serafina
PS you can pm me anytime if you wish
Re: welcome note
Sent: Tue May 19, 2009 7:05 am
by Daisy
Serafina
thank you for your insight. i actually agree with you completely, however how does one reach this level of submission?
Daisy
Sent: Wed May 19, 2009
by Serafina
That is the Million dollar question with a 5 cent answer. . .
You become completely responsible and be accountable to yourself, for yourself, by yourself. . . .how? . . .by practicing being the very best Daisy you can be. . .by being upright and trust-worthy in every aspect. . .
of course some areas will require a lot of work and some areas may come naturally. . . let go of what is not important, and decide who/what really matters. . . don't forget to allow time for play and have fun, but realize even that is a type of work, or it can be, because some of us don't know how to relax.
It sometimes will not be easy. . . because breaking old habits can be difficult. . . but if you can refocus on a new one and earn it for yourself, you begin to feel more accomplished and as you feel fulfilled, you begin to reach towards more of the same. . .
Now . . .when you are on such a journey you become more desirable and attract one of 2 kinds of people. . . one you need to avoid because they see in you someone to rescue them from their own responsibility, and they may have a strong need to assist/enable them, or and this is what we are looking for, someone who who is like-minded and wants someone to mirror and complete them and you both.
For them submission is simple really. . . it is a meshing and dance that allows each of you your unique and separate identity by allowing him to take the role of leadership within which you are each others primary concern and well-being.
Submission is very much like the old Swiss-made clocks. Inside you will see many little gears and springs, each doing the job they are designed to do. . . imagine what would happen is one of those parts were to get selfish and demand that other parts pick up and take over for them one day, because they just wanted to, or they thought they were far superior to all the rest?. . . Even a King Pin holding it all together is nothing if he doesn't do his part . . or if he has nothing to hold together!
It will take you all the rest of your life to work it out. . . because as soon as you have something under your ownership another project will appear. . . not that you even work on one thing at any time. . . but you certainly have the ability to work on specifics.
So there ya go. . . you make the rules . . . or you can abdicate your power and let someone else hold you to the fire who is likely another person with dysfunctional behavior.. . we all have choices. . .and we better make them clearly.
I am aware that not everyone agrees with me, but I have yet to see where people SAY they have a good relationship and see it last any length of time and not crumble apart with deep resentment when personal needs and desires are not in tandem.
Hang in there,
Serafina
Re: on submission
Sent: Tue May 19, 2009 10:45 am
From: Daisy
To: Serafina
thank you for that response....it made me smile. you sound like a very nice, intelligent person. if you don't mind, let me ask you this one question: in regard to your response to me that i am accountable to me....if my husband has a series of rules or guidelines in the home{which i have to admit are for the best} but it's just "easier" for me to "do it another way" when i can get away with it.... is that not being accountable to myself? if that sounds confusing, let's say that it's easier for me to leave the door open if i have several packages to carry in, he thinks the door should be shut and reopened as needed. although i know the guidelines he wishes i would follow are very valid, is trying to "get away with it being less than upright and trustworthy? i think you're going to say of course its dishonest...
thank you so much
Daisy
Well I didn't have an answer for Daisy then . . I sure hope Daisy is still on her personal journey. My reply today might be:
Dear Daisy
Perhaps another good word for submission is surrender.
Complete and perfect obedience is key, because that establishes that you are trustworthy. Your method may even be better than your master, but unless you have discussed changes or the possibility beforehand you'd be best fulfilling all your word. Yes you could "get away" with stuff that is less than earth-shattering, but one day you will slip-up and have to account for that. And anyway do you really want a conscience that knows you are less than compliant?
If you completely disagree with an edict, you need to let him know, and perhaps you can reach another compromise.
I found in the pain and even in the shame a blend of sensuality that left me craving rather than fearing to feel it again from the same hand. ~ Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Spoons are an interesting topic in a sex blog Most of us use spooning in context with a position that most of us enjoy. And there are variations on the theme. But today I am not discussing spooning. Today is about the spoon count.
Master and I both have some health issues that sometimes interfere with our intentions. It affects not only our daily life, but also while we are at play. Some time ago we came across The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino that changed our dynamics of how we arrange things- if possible. We'd encourage our readers to read her wonderful explanation.
The theory of the spoons is that we have multitudes of spoons in our arsenal from the time we are born to the day we cease. As we tread through our life journey we lose a number along the way. It might be as a result of injury or illnesses, but we break bones and don't stay in condition, or have serious health issues befall us. By mid-life most of us no longer are in possession of our full allotment of spoons.
As anyone with medical conditions knows, it is rather limiting in all the things we do. We already know we have enough spoons to get us through a normal day. Let's say we have 25 apiece. getting a working day done may require 18. Then we have to ascertain how many spoons are left, and how many spoons the adventure, chore or whatever will require. From there we determine if the job can be cut in half or whether we might have to wait for a less full day. Sometimes, things get in the way and steal spoons! At times we attempt to extend our energies beyond the number of spoons we have and most always pay the price in other ways the next day.
We see people all the time attempting to pay forward with spoons they no longer have. We serve as volunteers for low-income seniors and disabled. When we share the spoon theory with them most of them listen politely. Every once in a while a power switch goes on for some; and the relief in their body posture and the light in their eyes when they understand and give themselves permission to nurture themselves is priceless when it happens.
Oh and by the way -- if anyone wants to know the many different spoons there are look here!
I used a pair of heavy steel wrist shackles on Serafina last night, the first time she's ever been restrained by anything metal. Although it will never become the most used form of restraint here at House Samadhi, it was both fun and exciting to incorporate such a different prop into our lovemaking.
Our evening began with some quiet discussion together in our bed. To put it into the best BDSM term I can conceive, we were involved in 'negotiation', although that's not an entirely accurate term, anymore than is the word 'discussion'. We've just passed the one year anniversary of the time when my Serafina was freed from caregiver responsibilities, the time where we were able to concentrate more fully on ourselves and our relationship, the period where we began to identify Serafina's desire to please me as 'slavery' rather than submission.
Photo by Serafina
My wife is one of the most profoundly submissive individuals I've ever known. Although she has strong opinions and isn't afraid to express them, I appreciate and enjoy her counsel, she's a wise woman. In the end, however, Serafina is always deferential to me in final decision making. That's the experience she signed on for from the beginning, neither of us feel any need to change what's working now.
For the record, she's not had an orgasm without first asking my permission at anytime in the last 7 years. Now before anyone who doesn't understand our relationship somehow decides that my Serafina is oppressed by my domination, I'd also like to point out that I'm not even sure how many orgasm's my submissive wife had last night while wearing my cold hard steel shackles, I lost count after 15 . . .
And yes, she asked for every one. Serafina even begged for permission for a few of them in the middle of the session. It's so delightful to have her hovering on the edge, holding back only for the reason that she hasn't yet heard the words - "Yes, you may."
Eventually, she begged for the pleasure to stop, saying she couldn't cum again, that she was devoid of strength. Once again, for the record, I need to tell you my dear reader, that she came twice more even after begging for the pleasure to stop. And yes, she asked my permission to cum again on those last two occasions, although by then she was reduced to a mumbling and slurring her words more than just a little bit. She was drunk on my power, and drunk on the pleasure she'd been 'forced' to endure . . .
The discussion that started it all began with an allusion that the heavy weight of the steel shackles I was placing around her wrists also signified the weight and substance of her submission. Let me tell you, she wore it well!
Today's TMI Tuesday is brought to you by the darling Serafina, - Servant of Michael, goddess incarnate, and First Lady of the House of Samadhi . . .
1. I enjoy the idea that my partner wants to inflict pain on me that: a. makes me curious b. is titillating and sexually arousing c. that leaves me screaming and/or crying because that’s the way I like it
Serafina's answer - no doubt about it B. No doubt what feels good can change as well. And it depends on a variety of things within the moment. If I am in a dark mood, pain is absolutely not wanted, instead I need comforting and understanding.
2. Do you like being forced to dress or act in a way that is humiliating? If yes, please describe. If no, why not?
Serafina's answer - I resist humiliation because I lived that way for many years. My upbringing was extremely strict and I was shy, and we wore clothes that were different from my school-mates and were not allowed to participate in sports, dances or social events. We moved a lot and I only had friends when I was attending a school where many kids came from a similar background for a 2 year period. It is difficult to form friendships when you are always the "new" kid
However, having said thus I realize that when it is a challenge that I find intriguing, I would embrace the event. And I am aware that what I call a challenge might very well be labeled as humiliation for others. I would also have to be in the right space to participate or Master would find me digging in; which on occasion I do that.
3. Do you like seeing bruises, scars, or marks that were caused during sex on either you or your partner? What kind of marks?
Serafina's answer - oh very short answer. No.
4. Would you like to be forced to do sexual things that you don’t necessarily like to do? Yes or No.
Serafina's answer - All depends on what it is. . I do have limits
5. Do you want to be forced to watch your lover with someone else? Yes, No or It depends.
Serafina's answer - While I would have no problem watching while Master flogs another or similar - watching Master making love to and fucking another would pretty much end it for me. I was formerly introduced to Master by his now ex-wife, her first statement to me was "he is much more of a sexual man than (she) could handle". She actually enjoyed watching Master take me and it got her off. I was not reluctant in that setting.
I can guarantee. . .Master is not too much for me. . I want him always
6. What dirty (sometimes inappropriate) things do you like to say to your sexual partner?
Serafina's answer - I honor and respect Master I would not consider anything inappropriate. Being quite shy I even find it difficult to talk dirty. . .I am open to tips and ideas if anyone is willing to offer them.
Bonus: Finish this statement: I like being powerful in bed because __________ .
Serafina's answer - I am submissive. My submission is my power.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
"As the official supplier of condoms and lubricants, we hope the donation will help athletes improve their achievements between the sheets," ~~ Durex Condoms
"There's a lot of sex going on." ~~ Hope Solo, Olympic Soccer
"It's like Vegas, you learn not to ask a lot of questions." ~~ John Godina, Olympic Shotput
"I'd say it's 70 percent to 75 percent of Olympians. Hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do." ~~ Ryan Lochte, Olympic Swimming
"It's like the first day of college, you're nervous, super excited. Everyone's meeting people and trying to hook up with someone." ~~ Tony Azevedo, Olympic Water Polo
"What happens at Olympic Village stays at Olympic village. There's a lot of stress pent up over the week, so it's safe to say that some good times happen."
~~ Emily Brydon, Olympic Skiing
"Olympic athletes have to display an unnatural ... level of self-discipline in the build-up to big competitions. How else is this going to manifest itself than with a volcanic release of pent-up hedonism?"
~~ Matthew Syed, Olympic Table Tennis
"Just a magical, fairy-tale place, like Alice in Wonderland, where everything is possible. You could win a gold medal and you can sleep with a really hot guy."
~~ Carrie Sheinberg, Olympic Alpine Skiing
"I'm running a friggin' brothel in the Olympic Village! I've never witnessed so much debauchery in my entire life." ~~ Josh Lakatos, Olympic Target Shooting
"Unlike at a bar, it's not awkward to strike up a conversation because you have something in common. It starts with, 'What sport do you play?' All of a sudden, you're fist-bumping." ~~ Hope Solo, Olympic Soccer
“When I’m there, I’m in two different gears. I’m so focused that I see nothing else, or I’m partying my butt off.”
~ anonymous female Olympian
"The entire women's 4x100 relay team of some Scandinavian-looking country walks out of the house, followed by boys from our side. And I'm just going, 'Holy crap, we'd watched these girls run the night before." ~~ Josh Lakatos, Olympic Target Shooter
"I am often asked if the Olympic village is the sex-fest it is cracked up to be. My answer is: too right it is. My first games was Barcelona in 1992, and I got laid more often in those two and a half weeks than in the rest of my life up to that point."
~~ Matthew Syed, Olympic Table Tennis
"When I walked in for the first time in Atlanta, there were loud cheers. So we look over and see two French handballers dressed only in socks, shoes, jockstraps, neckties and hats on top of a dining table, feeding one another lunch. We're like, 'Holy cow, what is this place?'" ~~ Brandi Chastain, Olympic soccer
"We'd graze over our food for hours watching all the eye candy, wondering why I got married." ~~ Julie Foudy, Olympic Soccer
"The girls are in skimpy panties and bras, the dudes in underwear, so you see what everybody is working with from the jump. Even if their face is a 7, their body is a 20." ~~ Breaux Greer, Olympic Javelin
"As far as best bodies, it's swimmers and water polo players, because that's an insane workout. And the track guys, they're sneaky-cute. Very serious, but when they lighten up, you're like, 'Oh, you're kind of adorable.'" ~~ Alicia Sacramone, Olympic Gymnast.
"With a once-in-a-lifetime experience, you want to build memories, whether it's sexual, partying or on the field. I've seen people having sex right out in the open. On the grass, between buildings, people are getting down and dirty."
~~ Hope Solo, Olympic Soccer
"Olympians are adventurers. They look for a challenge, like having sex with someone who doesn't speak their language."
~~ Carrie Sheinberg, Olympic Alpine Skiing
"If I'd have known that the Olympic games were some kind of giant freakin sex party, I would have worked harder to become an athlete. Knowing that most of the athletes are hooking up with each other is going to change the way I watch the Olympic Games. Can you imagine the thrill to be had dominating a medal winner? Priceless!!!" ~~ Michael Samadhi, BDSM Master - author SpiritualBDSM.com
Perhaps he would have been better named "Cpl. Punishment"
"Here here, you oughtn't to do anything like that. Going around tying defensless people to railroad tracks is not the Canadian way." ~~ Dudley Do-Right of the Canadian Mounties
It
I love cartoons, don't you? But the times certainly have changed since that documentary (tongue inserted firmly in cheek) film I just shared with you about the exploits of Canada's finest, eh? Nope, no sirree, it isn't Dudly Do-Right's northwoods anymore my friends.
It seems that bondage, Fetlife, and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are all tied together (please excuse the pun) in a news story coming from the thriving metropolis of Coquitlam, B.C., where Cpl. Jim Brown, (who despite sharing a surname is apparently unrelated to the Godfather of Soul and hardest working man in show business) of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police is under both an internal and an independent investigation for conduct unbecoming an officer of the law
Cpl. Jim Brown of RCMP on left, the Godfather of Soul on right - Please do NOT confuse the two.
"An officer posing naked in RCMP riding boots is inappropriate, even if his sexual partners are consenting adults . . . "
It's the sordid tale of individuals trying to make careers out of disparaging and discouraging a police officer with a feel for fetish. It started when someone discovered that a jack-booted member of Canada's premiere law enforcement agency was also role playing as a jack booted thug over at Fetlife.
I'm sure everyone's shocked that a member of law enforcement might turn out to be a sadist in their personal life, aren't you? I mean no one really thinks that some members of police and other paramilitary groups actually enjoy hurting others for sexual thrills, no? And, certainly, nobody wearing a uniform for hours everyday would have a fetish, right?
Perhaps, instead of investigating Cpl. Jim Brown for misconduct, they should promote him instead, I mean here's a man who lives his work. And let's be serious, when the chips are down, who'd you rather have interrogating a terrorist than an office versed in all aspects of torture? Certainly he knows some "advanced interrogation techniques."
Perhaps all such positions should be given to BDSM aficionados of the sadistic bent. I mean if you gave me a few minutes with a "nut-cracker", one of them them "Bin-Tokin" kind of characters, as well as a hot wire to shove up his anus and another to wrap around his nuts; I do believe we'd all have some answers quick. I don't know how accurate they'd be, but we'd have fucking answers, and we might just have a little fun getting them.
What? You don't believe in torture unless it's consensual? You want me to negotiate with mock terrorists and dungeon monitors to be present? Gee-whiz, what is this world coming to? BTW - isn't an "internal investigation" something we give to suspected drug mules rather than decorated officers?
OK, all my kidding and joking aside, the first "official response" by Cpl. Brown's RCMP superior was the one I consider to be correct, that Brown's involvement with Fetlife was: "Deemed to be adult consensual activity during which the implicated officer was not representing himself as a member of the RCMP, thus it did not meet the threshold for a code of conduct investigation."
Case closed . . .
But all things in life are political, and there's always someone standing on the sideline ready to pounce and pronounce their own moral judgement. In the case of the "Kilted Knight", as Jim Brown called himself on Fetlife, it seems that the Canadian media, as well as some RCMP superiors wouldn't let this story go.
At least part of the story was written by the Vancouver Sun's Ian Mulgrew. Within the worldwide cannabis community Mr Mulgrew is a controversial figure, perhaps best known for outing seedmaker "Reeferman" as former white supremacist Charles Scott, while telling the story of the B.C. cannabis trade in his book Bud Inc. Whether the story is about bedrooms or bud-rooms, Mulgrew seems to have little compunction about hurting people in the pursuit and telling of his stories.
Higher ups within the Royal Canadian Mounted Police seem to see Cpl. Brown's naked pictures as some kind of smoke screen to divert media attention from a class action suit brought against the law enforcement agency for sexual harassment. They've even gone as far as to imply that his sexual orientation might have somehow impaired his role in investigating a serial murderer in 1999.
Adding insult to injury is psychiatrist, Michael Webster, a special "cop counselor", who was quoted in the CBC news story where I first heard about this whole affair:
Webster said that an officer posing naked in RCMP riding boots is inappropriate, even if his sexual partners are consenting adults.
“They're all severely degrading to women,” Webster said of the photos.
Webster said the officer’s conduct should be a serious concern to the force, particularly in a province that has seen so many sexual harassment allegations made against members in recent months.
“Mr. Brown’s behaviour is way up the scale in the abnormal range,” he said. “This is conduct unbecoming of a [Mountie] and it is shameful that the RCMP would [try] and minimize this, would try and downplay and sweep it under the rug and suggest there is no harm here."
Should I be surprised that a "cop shrink" wouldn't be up to date with psychological studies indicating that there's absolutely nothing wrong with people who partake in BDSM activities as part of our sexual expression. Does this man really believe that consensual activities degrade anybody?
God fucking protect us all from the eyes of ethically challenged journalists and from moralistic idiots of all stripes who try to demonize normal sexual expression.
It's fun to point an laugh when it happens to jack booted individuals who are paid tax-dollars to do their thuggery, or when the media destroys a white supremacist who's interests wandered to pure genetics in plants rather than humans, but we should all take a moment and think about things from a different perspective. We've all done things in life we wouldn't want put on billboards, or advertised across a TV screen.
Back in March, when I first began to hear a "buzz" about the Shades of Grey novels by E.L. James I was intrigued. I asked Serafina to read the series as one of her slave assignments, and she did review the first book in April, but we've not made much special reference to the books since.
For the record, after reading the first book myself, I withdrew the assignment, I no longer saw any point in asking Serafina to continue. The word I believe is the best descriptive for Ms. James work is execrable.
I'm not alone. Well known BDSM author Laura Antoniou wrote a short parody, titled 50 Shades of Sellout, that I found very amusing.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who is a specialist in treating sexual disorders, just put forth her two cents worth in a piece that was published in the Sydney Morning Herald, titled - Fifty Shades of Grey giving bondage a bad name.
The bestselling Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by EL James has reportedly already sold up to 20 million copies worldwide. Having read the three novels in one sitting, I very much doubt it is the sex that did it. I found it boring, repetitive, and leads women to aspire to undesirable - and frankly unattainable - goals, such as simultaneous orgasm, which occurs between the protagonists most of the time.
But, most annoyingly, the story demonises BDSM - the term for the erotic style comprising bondage, domination, and sado-masochism - and those who enjoy it. The male protagonist, Christian Grey, is portrayed as a cold-hearted sexual predator with a dungeon (that word has been wisely swapped for "playroom"), full of scary sex toys. Worst of all is the implication that his particular erotic style has developed because he is psychologically "sick".
Frankly, in BDSM terms, Grey is a lightweight. He eschews many fairly standard interests, although he is an expert at the "mindf---". Even novices, however, would know that his use of cable ties is a very bad idea (to avoid nerve-damage and scarring, soft, thick rope is de rigueur).
Grey's lack of competency in his chosen erotic arena is most apparent, though, in the way he fails to assess his potential new submissive's naivety. Experienced BDSM practitioners are acutely aware of the gulf between cognoscenti and others, and would not dream of terrifying a novice by bringing up such advanced techniques as fire, electricity and gynaecological play.
Ten years ago, I carried out an extensive psychological study of people in the BDSM community - the largest empirical study ever done at the time - to examine their psychological attributes and determine if there was any justification for the notion, commonly held, even within my field, that they were all psychologically disturbed. After giving each of the 132 participants four hours of psychological tests, as well as a face-to-face interview, I found that, in fact, the group was generally not mentally unhealthy, and the instances of early abuse that had long been associated with the adult practice of BDSM were present in just a few.
When I presented my findings in 2003 at the annual conference of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counsellors and Therapists (the full study was published in the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality in 2006), the jury was still out as to whether BDSM and psychopathology went hand in hand. But since then, it has been firmly established - through the work of Peggy Kleinplatz, Charles Moser and others - that BDSM, played in a safe and consensual manner, is not proof of mental or physical illness, essential badness or emotional damage from trauma or abusive parenting, and that people cannot - and should not - be treated to cure it.
All the work that has been done to establish that BDSM is not a pathological symptom, but one of a wide range of normative human erotic interests, is in danger of being undermined by the success of Fifty Shades. Let's hope we do not return to the days when people were discriminated against - losing children, property, jobs - for their interest in BDSM. Remember, Fifty Shades is just another bodice-ripper. With cable ties.
I'd like to thank Ms. Connolly for her dissection of the 50 Shades series. Frankly, the tripe being sold these days as some kind of prime delicacy is making me sick. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking so!
With that said, let us not demonize cable ties while we are dissecting Ms. James' work. While BDSM as "taught" in workshops and seminars might consider soft rope to be "de rigueur", I'm not positive that the occasional careful use of an item like cable ties will inevitably lead to some kind of nerve damage or scarring.
I believe that workshops tend to be taught, for reasons of liability and public relations, totally geared towards the lowest common denominator. Techniques are taught that tend to be as idiot proof as possible.
I'm not saying that safety should be thrown out the window, but I'm also of the studied opinion that items like cable ties can be used in a safe, sane, and consensual manner. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water, and replace BDSM that was condemned as a sick perversion with a sanitized version filled with a myriad of rote rules as taught by pretty presenters in their late 20's with (at most) a whole decade of BDSM experience.
1. I could spend all day _______ but couldn’t stand five minutes _______ . I could spend all day reading, but couldn't stand five minutes with nothing to do. Although I'm efficient in a work setting, I'm as productive as I wish to be in my own home, as I'm easily distracted by a good read, whether it's a book, on my kindle, or a blog I read when I'm at my computer. I can easily get lost in books for hours at a time, but I hate being bored, sitting around with nothing to do. I realized yesterday that one of my biggest nightmares would be to be trapped inside an elevator with absolutely nothing to do or read. alt. answer - I could spend all day fucking but couldn’t stand five minutes trapped inside and elevator.
2. I would love to have a robot in my house to do _______ because no one else ever does. I would love to have a robot in my house to do yardwork because no one else ever does. I don't mind working in the yard when the weather's nice and my allergies are not bothering me, but it seems like those two occurrences coincide less and less often these days. Serafina does more than her share of yardwork, and the garden full of raspberry, blueberry and strawberry bushes is also her domain. A robot to mow my yard and rake leaves would be priceless, because those tasks are just a tedious bore! alt. answer - I would love to have a robot in my house to give the dog a bath because no one else ever does.
3. The older you get the more _______ you get. The older you get the more stiff you get. Serafina and I both have arthritis in our lower backs, I'd still be asleep in bed right now if back pain hadn't got me up at 5am this morning. The stiffness and pain associated with our arthritis seems to get worse as we get older, so this is very much the first thing that popped into mind to fill in this blank. alt. answer - The older you get the more crotchety you get. (ya ever hear of a crotchety young man?)
4. I want to _______ when I _______ . I want to surf sex blogs when I'm at work. I do a lot of volunteering. I spend more time volunteering than some folks spend working a "real" job. I like helping people, I'm mostly my own boss, yadda yadda, there's 100 reasons why I give away my services rather than work a normal job. The only thing that chafes upon me, because I'm working out of a business where a number of good friends work, as well as using their internet and printers, so that I'm not free to visit my online friends websites from work. In the grand scheme of things this isn't a big problem, but upon occasion it irritates. alt. answer - I want to be a porn star when I grow up.
5. My appetite for _______ can never be satisfied. My appetite for Serafina can never be satisfied. Like I said, I'm not called a Master of the Obvious for nothing! alt. answer - My appetite for BDSM can never be satisfied.
Bonus: If I were a hoarder, I would hoard _______ . If I were a hoarder, I would hoard floggers. Doh! Duh! Some might say I have an unhealthy obsession with floggers. I'll give them the obsession part, and yes, I may need a 12 step program to break my addiction for purchasing my favorite BDSM tool. I just don't understand how anyone could think it's unhealthy . . . I'm just a red-blooded all-american pervert, nothing wrong with being part of that subspecies! alt. answer - If I were a hoarder, I would hoard lubricants.
Serafina's Answers
1. I could spend all day _______ but couldn’t stand five minutes _______ . I could spend all day working on projects, or crafts or even sewing. I love having Master's attention all day long every weekend. I hate being alone with nothing to do, or in a crowd where everyone is snobbish.
2. I would love to have a robot in my house to do _______ because no one else ever does. I sometimes need a double of me so more things get done faster. A robot clone would work!
3. The older you get the more _______ you get. You get more creaky and grumpy, as you ache more in so many new places
4. I want to _______ when I _______ . I want to loose about 20 lbs so I can look and feel better, and look awesome in a corset
5. My appetite for _______ can never be satisfied. I can never be done learning. To not learn is to die. I can never get enough of exploring cool places in NorthAmerica.
Bonus: If I were a hoarder, I would hoard _______ . I am a hoarder- of sorts. . . I just know that the moment you get rid of something you realize that that is exactly what I need later. Not that I would know that UNLESS! I had got rid of that particular thing I likely would not have remembered it even existed! I tend to be a discriminate hoarder and save back what is repeatedly useful like tools and such.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
