"breaking" a submissive . . .

I've seen a number of posts recently on the topic of "breaking" a submissive, a subject on which I have many of my own thoughts to share.  However, before inflicting my opinions upon you, my dear reader, I'd like to begin by quoting another dominant I've grown to respect greatly.

Here is Omega's opening comment from the Power Exchange where he penned a post called Breaking the Girl.  It's as good an introduction to this topic as any I've seen:

It conjurs the image of a wild horse, the animal being roped. She struggles, fighting wildly against it. Eventually calming, only to have a rider on her back. The sensation, odd at first she bucks fiercely trying to knock the rider off. After several times, she calms, relaxing into it, accepting the rider. Eventually it sinks in, she intrinsically understands it is hopeless to effect a change.
She becomes dependent on her owner, who feeds her, washes her down after a ride and she remains fiercely loyal to her owner. The horse is broken, but has gained a greater purpose in service to her owner.
It is important to keep reminding one self; women are not horses.

As was once said in a hit song, "I second that emotion."  Let me reiterate, "It is important to keep reminding one self; women are not horses."  I'm a dominant who's also a bit of a sexual sadist, but I don't believe in tearing people down to build them up, and I don't believe in breaking submissives.  If that's your kink or your style, there's not a lot we can expect to have in common.

As Omega said, "The topic of breaking another conjures such great visceral responses."  I just want to make it clear that I am myself reacting viscerally, for a number of reasons.  If ya don't like what I'm saying, you are welcome to look elsewhere for your reading material, as this is one topic where I will not negotiate or debate.

Back in December I wrote a post that touched on this subject, where I said:

I have to admit watching a proud woman who is my equal kiss my boots is a far greater charge of excitement for me than were it done by a woman who was kissing them not out of honor, respect and devotion, but instead was slavishly attending my boots because she felt inferior.
Meh, sorry, being served by the downtrodden is no charge at all.  Nobody can give me proper respect if they have none for themselves.  I can't have any fun reducing someone to writhing like an animal, begging for pleasure, and then begging for the same pleasure to stop, if they are already surviving like an animal.
If a slave is somebody who has been totally devalued, I'd not want to command them, I'd want to shelter and protect them until they felt valued and human.  My style of domination isn't depersonalizing, in fact quite the opposite, it's expressed by continually pushing for growth, empowerment, and enlightenment within the rituals and devotions of submission.

I guess that's as good and succinct a comment as any I'd pen today on the topic.  So, with that in mind, I won't try to reiterate the points again, instead I'll attempt to illustrate with short story from my life.  It is very recent, and it's very raw in my psyche, because it involves an individual I've come to care about deeply, despite never having met in person.

Yesterday, Serafina and I were messaged by a dear friend who's been experiencing ups and downs in a long distance relationship with a dominant.  Our friend was devastated, she'd been crying, and she really needed a friendly shoulder.  I'd planned to hitch Serafina up to our new dungeon bed last night for a figging and a flogging, but plans for fun don't trump the real life needs of an individual we care about.  Meaning that instead my slave/wife spent two hours on the phone consoling our friend, who believes her relationship with her dom guy is over.

Our friend was destroyed by what had happened with her love, you might even say that for a moment, she felt broken by the turmoil, angst, and separation.  I'm not trying to say she was "broken" in the sense used in posts like "Breaking the Girl", where the discussion is more about dominants and submissives who fantasize and romanticize the act of breaking a submissive, instead I'm trying to make a correlated point.

My point is simply that there is no honor in "Breaking the Girl".  It's no accomplishment.  It's nothing to be proud of doing.  It's not even that hard to do, to break someone once you've asked them to put real faith in you.  It might be said that a submissive trusts a dominant in much the same manner as a child initially trusts a parent, in that the trust makes them very open and vulnerable.

It's not difficult to hurt a vulnerable person, it's not hard to break a vulnerable person.  Obviously, something that's not difficult to achieve is no real achievement, if you can understand that kind of logic.

Our friend was hurt simply because she was vulnerable, she was open.  She loved her dominant as a submissive lady should, he didn't return or repay her in kind.  In the end, it seems from my perspective, that he acted like a coward, becoming distant, rather than admitting that his compartmentalized life was designed for short illusive relationships.  She could never belong to him as long as he belonged to his wife . . .

Returning to my more personal commentary rather than a story about a friend. I have to add that a psychiatrist friend of mine calls me a "Master of the Obvious", as I often speak about things others have in front of their faces, but fail or refuse to note for themselves.  My writing, however, tends to be a little more obtuse, so I want to make sure today's message is crystal clear . . .

I can completely understand a person wanting to be "broken" in a very specific manner, as a part of a cathartic release, as a personal challenge, as part of a shamanic type ritual, or perhaps a few other scenarios involving a quest for personal growth or fulfillment.

Such activities must be approached with respect, and must have carefully planned preparations, a limited duration for their fulfillment, not to mention help with recovery from the ordeal.

That's different from breaking a horse, and it's different from truly breaking a submissive.

To "break" a girl as a regular planned part of bringing about their submission, to break them in the sense of creating a quivering creature that is kept in her place with dependence and fear, to make her obedient like a trained animal, isn't exactly a recipe for a better slave.  It's quite the opposite in fact.

In the end, it just seems like a recipe for creating post traumatic stress disorder.


POST SOUNDTRACK - I Second That Emotion by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

emergency response ~ accidents don't happen pt. 4

Previously on "Accidents Don't Happen . . . . 

1. accidents don't happen, they are caused . . .
2. accidents don't happen - pt 2 - learn from this!
3. the drop heard round the world - accidents don't happen - pt. 3

PART 4 / Grande Finale - When it comes to issues like safety, first aid, accident prevention, emergency preparedness, and even plain old individual responsibility, my personal perspective comes from a history as a solo backpacker and mountaineer.  Backpacking without a partner isn't an inherently unsafe activity, but it's not an inherently safe one either.

Solo hiking is a different beast than backpacking with a group, as there's far less margin for error when heading into the wilderness alone.  Deliberately seeking remote canyons and mountain valleys, I had to know in advance what to do in case of emergency, how to react instinctively, as I often could find myself in situations where I could not count on outside assistance of any kind.  This was especially true in an age before GPS devices and satellite phones.

I think mine was the 2nd Edition 

I studied medical textbooks and tomes.  I nearly memorized Wilkerson's Medicine for Mountaineering.  I honestly believe I educated myself to a level equal to or greater than necessary to become a First Responder or EMT.  I'd lay awake at night imagining wilderness emergencies I might encounter, then devise not only one potential response, but also an alternative, just in case the primary response was unavailable or somehow untenable.

So my outlook on this topic is fairly strict, it might almost be considered extreme.  Accidents don't happen, they are caused!  And, the only really good response to most potential accidents is proper planning, careful consideration, and good judgement. It is absolutely essential to to avoid the accident altogether.

That may sound extreme, but consider the alternatives for a solo backpacker . . . If I screwed up and got hurt, the ONLY thing I could do was to treat whatever injuries had occurred, make sure I was stable, and wait.

Imagine, if you will, a broken ankle two days into a week long trip.  As long as the injury itself wasn't life threatening (no bone protruding through the skin or major blood loss) the best thing I could do was sit in agony for another week, or even longer. When my failure to complete my itinerary was noticed, the alarm would eventually be sounded, and rescue would be initiated.  As long as I had stayed on course, keeping to the itinerary posted with forest or park rangers, I'd be found and saved, eventually.

Facing such prospects, you can well imagine why I stress preventing emergencies so very strongly.  At best the alternative could be crippling agony, and a serious fuck up could likely prove to be fatal.  I might have been a bit of a risk taker in my youth, but they were always measured risks, I had no death wish.

So, lest I personally begin to sound strident and overbearing in my strong cautions about emergency preparedness, I've decided to spend the majority of the rest of this post quoting another source and author on the topic of  BDSM emergencies.

Here are what I consider to be the three main salient points when dealing with BDSM emergencies, all quoted from  Jay Wiseman's Toybag Guide to Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies.

1. Emergencies hit with incredible, stunning force, and can seem to strip away all your resources to leave you naked and terrified in a very not-good way. Thus, it is very wise to over-prepare a bit. This is true because we tend to lose touch with how severe emergencies are. What often happens is that preparations that seem overdone to the point of bordering on paranoia turn out to be just barely adequate during an actual emergency, while lesser "more reasonable" preparations fail. 
2. Emergencies that cause harm within seconds can basically only be dealt with by prevention. For example, substantial harm could result within seconds if a person in suspension bondage were to fall from a significant height. Intervening while they are falling is not realistically possible, and caring for the resultant harm after the fall occurs may not help too much, so while preventing harm is essentially always the best approach, preventing harm is especially important in this type of emergency. 
3. The goal of all emergency care. One word: stabilize. The goal of all emergency care is to turn a dangerous, unstable situation into a stable, safe situation. Thus, in all emergencies, the question becomes - what needs to happen to stabilize this situation, and how can I appropriately help accomplish that? 

I could give a long discourse, write at great length, about the many ways the "suspension drop" incident was handled incorrectly.  But, to a great extent, I'd be flogging a dead horse, and I much prefer to use my whips, canes, and other "implements of instruction" on live squirming submissives.  Ya know what I mean?

With that in mind, I'll only impose one further point of my own.

1. If someone suffers a serious fall, whether in the world of Shibari, BDSM, or anywhere else in your life, PLEASE think about one thing before you act.   REMEMBER - any potential spinal injury can be paralyzing, and when applying first aid, your responsibility is the same as a Doctor's - FIRST DO NO HARM!  As long as your victim is stable, and there's no immediate life threatening injury, please do not move them!  Instead, immediately call for, and then wait for professionals to respond.  Follow any direction given to you by emergency responders over the phone.  

Thank you for your patience, my dear reader, as I have now completed my discourse on this topic, and will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Fin

the drop heard round the world - accidents don't happen - pt. 3

I'd rather not be accused of flogging dead equines, I'd rather be found whipping pony girls to be honest (and wouldn't that make a great bumper sticker - "I'd rather be whipping my pony girl!") but there's still more story to be told in order to present a truly full and balanced picture of the suspension accident where BDSM personality, educator, and author, Midori dropped an individual onto a hard cement floor.

I've taken to calling the incident "the drop heard round the world" as I understand the accident has been the topic of more than a little ongoing discussion and controversy across the globe.  It's a phrase I've co-opted from history books, as the "shot heard round the world" was the precursor to First World War.  It's not a perfect analogy, but it's close enough to be a fairly apt description.

In the first and second installments of this sad story, we read a statement by Midori about the accident, I editorialized about the extreme importance of safety, and I also editorialized about being trained and prepared for emergencies before they happen.  For this third installment, I'm going to re-post a public statement from Mistress Tokyo, the individual who was dropped:

Hi A/all,
I’d like to make a public statement regarding the suspension bondage accident between Midori and myself while performing a show for the Uber Cabaret on Oct 2nd 2011, Sydney Australia.
I feel the need for a formal statement regarding this incident to silence any factual inaccuracies regarding what actually happened. I’d also like to communicate my sentiments about how the incident transpired and my feelings about my personal involvement.
What happened fact by fact is thus; I was tied by Midori in suspension bondage as a human puppet. Midori tied a slipknot on my sole load bearing suspension line, causing me to fall out of suspension onto the bare concrete floor. Thanks to luck, I fell in such a way that the full force of the fall was distributed relatively evenly. Unfortunately, due to the fact that my hands were tied up, I was not able to shield my head from slamming into the ground at full force. On witnessing my fall Midori failed to check in with me, either verbally or physically, and continued with the show. I was in shock at the time, but I believe we continued the show until it was apparent I was bleeding from the head. Upon this, Midori assisted me off stage.
My chin took the brunt of the impact of the fall, resulting in a deep inch long cut. I went to hospital and received three stitches. Cone beam CT scans resolved I had sustained no serious damage to my head, neck or jaw. My front teeth in my lower jaw have been slightly re-arranged, I’ve clicking in my right jaw joint and a permanent facial scar. Essentially, I got off lightly. I can report that Midori has paid my medical expenses. I credit my years of Aikido and Jyujitsu training in break and high falling with saving my neck.
Personally, I strongly feel how this accident was dealt with showed how suspension bondage accidents SHOULD NOT be managed. I feel this situation purveyed the worst response that could be offered in reaction to a potentially grave accident. Additionally, I’d like to distance myself, both personally and professionally, from how this incident was dealt with.
I’m a professional Mistress with my own private studio based in Sydney with over 12yrs experience, both locally and overseas. Privately, I’m an experienced bondage switch. I’ve attended workshops and/or been privately trained by Osada Steve, Kinoko Hajime, Arisue Go, Esinem, Satomi Tokyo Love Doll, Lee Harrington and Midori. Professionally, I specialize in heavy and suspension bondage. I intermittently run workshops in Sydney on a variety of BDSM topics, inclusive of Shibari inspired rope bondage. I run an invite-only Queer female-identified/expressed rope group. Personally, I am a deeply passionate player at ends to scene SSC, purvey RACK and also to see these things demonstrated by others. I also do occasional First Aid volunteer work at rural alternative lifestyle festivals.
The potential for human mistake in scenes is an unfortunate aspect of risky activities with consequences we must bear. This element is forgivable. It is how we deal with our mistakes though, that proves who we are. This is correct irrespective as to whether the situation is a private scene, professional session or public performance.
I find it unconscionable a Dominant/Top would not check in with a sub/bottom during an accident. I find it equally unthinkable a Top might choose to down-prioritize a bottom’s medical and emotional health for any reason. Neither of these two things constitute safe, sane play. I also believe a Top who can’t hold their own space emotionally during a worst case scenario incident is not a safe player.
I believe care of the bottom is the most important precept in a scene. I believe if a Top cannot completely support a scene they should not undertake it. I also believe that it is only human instinct that, if misadventure occurs, the bottom’s needs are immediately responded to in a manner that holds their medical and emotional safety foremost. I cannot explain why this care was not delivered to me. For me, this is a necessary and vital constituent of any safe, sane and consensual BDSM play.
Sincerely,
Mistress Tokyo 

As you've just read, there appear to be some pretty strong (and hard) feelings about this accident. I hate to say it, but these kind of feelings are almost inevitable when there's an accident, and kind of accident.

When there is an accident of any type in our lives, whether at work or at play, hard feelings, ill will, and animosity are common emotions to feel.  I've been involved in a recreational accident (non BDSM related), and I've witnessed others, it's tough stuff.

In the case of some kind of drop or fall, the question most of us ask upon impact would be some version of the phrase, "What the fuck happened?"

Naturally, the next thing we'd all wonder is, "Am I going to be ok?"

That's quickly followed by, "How the hell did this happen?" or perhaps "What did I do to deserve this?"   It's my experience that the latter is a more common response in abuse survivors.

Everything I'm describing here happens in a matter of moments.  Over longer periods of time accident victims go through a whole myriad of emotions above and beyond the quick simplistic responses I've described.  Every one of these emotions is somewhere between difficult to agonizing to experience.  Experiencing an accident will at best challenge us, and at worst it will change us is ways we'd not like to imagine.

When a person feels as though they've caused an accident, or allowed it to happen through inattention, they will inevitably feel the full range of doubt, regret, and remorse expressed by Midori in her statement.

There are other impacts too.  An accident of this sort has the potential to impact the willingness of promoters and venues to host similar future events, for simple liability reasons.  Who knows, it might have an impact on insurance rates for events too.  I don't hope any of that happens, but logic says it could happen.

In the end, after hearing both Midori and Mistress Tokyo comment on the accident, I know we can say for sure that the incident was regrettable, that it might have been prevented, and that it was also handled in a less than optimum fashion.  I also know that all parties involved need heeling.  And for that reason, I do ask that we all remember both Mistress Tokyo and Midori in our thoughts, wishes and prayers.

Healing energy to all, and to all a good night (for now . . . )

accidents don't happen - pt 2 - learn from this!

Midori

Yesterday, in a post called "accidents don't happen, they are caused," I started reporting on an incident where a well known bondage personality and instructor (Midori) dropped a submissive from suspension bondage onto a cement floor.  Yes, I editorialized too, as safety issues are very important for the BDSM community to address, and it seems as though this particular accident should have been avoidable.

Serafina, who often hears my writing as a work in progress when I read portions aloud, was actually a little disappointed in the version I posted.  While editing my piece before posting, I removed or reworded portions of my writing that seemed overtly angry.  Serafina felt that the version I posted was more balanced and professional in it's tone, but that it lacked the passion and impact of the voice I'd used when first writing a post on the topic.

This isn't a topic where it's easy to maintain journalistic balance.  I've been a fan of Midori's work for a long time.  As I said in the original post on this topic, I've wanted to take one of her workshops and to meet her in person.  As an avid reader, I've also purchased all her books as soon as they are published.  I think Midori's a great writer, her passion, thoughtful attitude, and obvious love of the fetish world make her one of my favorites.

Because I've always felt a sort of affection (perhaps even admiration) for Midori, I took news of her failure more personally than I might have had the same accident happened to a different personality from BDSM realms.  In retrospect, I might have felt less passion had the news been about someone I didn't respect as much.

Commenting directly on the posting in it's original location, I said:

Why did this bondage fail?
How could this accident have been prevented?
Aren't those the questions we should be asking, instead of worrying about damage control, which is what inevitably happens after any accident . . .
Knowing what to do when there is an emergency is fine and everything, but it belabors the real point that should be made - Accidents like this aren't inevitable, they are caused by human error.
Instead of concentrating on how to react in emergencies, the focus should be on emergency prevention. An ounce of prevention, after all, is worth at least a pound of cure! 

Mistakes were made.  A great number of things have been damaged, not just one individual's physical well being and another's reputation.  The emotional impact this will have on directly involved parties is immeasurable, and it's going to have an impact on the entire BDSM community too.

I do still believe that accident prevention is far more important than accident response, but a solid night's sleep and some dispassionate thought on the subject has helped me to realize the importance of also discussing some more appropriate responses to potential disasters of this kind.  When mistakes are made, lessons can be learned, let's not let the suffering this accident will inevitably cause be for naught . . .

There are many lessons to be taken home from this accident.  In addition to stressing the importance of accident prevention, it should also be emphasized that the time to learn proper emergency response technique is long before an accident ever happens.  CPR, first aid, and basic emergency response training are all essential parts of being a good citizen in any community, and that's especially true in the BDSM world.

(to be continued)

accidents don't happen, they are caused . . .

"Belay on," I called to my friend.
"On belay," my friend called to me.
"Climb," I replied.
"Climbing," he said.

Once the ritual exchange for climbing was complete, my friend began ascending a hard limestone rock wall, testing and using every bit of his balance and strength to slowly climb higher.

His safety was assured through mutually checked and inspected ropes, harnesses and anchor points, and by the fact that were he to fall, I could easily stop his descent long before he hit the ground. I was the "belay man" - his health and life were my responsibility.  Falls were something we actually practiced, nobody could climb without having practiced falls, as well as learning how to belay . . .

Today, I realize that the words we spoke are not dissimilar to some BDSM ritual exchanges.  In retrospect, I find it oddly funny how we sometimes find ourselves drawn to arenas where ritual provides a core structure around which everything else is built.

Which brings us, in an odd way, to today's terrible tale, the story of a professional BDSM performance artist and an accident that physically harmed someone she had placed into suspension bondage . . .

"I haven’t had a day since the accident that I’ve not thought about it. I could have killed her. The scenarios play in my head over and over. There have been nights of deep darkness. The grief lingers. She’s suffered pain and trauma of flesh and heart, not only in the moment of the accident, but long after as well. Her healing and recovery will take time. The depth of emotional hurt for the person I dropped will be profound and long lasting."
    --  Midori

Wow, it's news I never thought I'd see.  

Midori, author, BDSM personality, and educator, had a serious accident in a public suspension bondage scene.  A bound individual was dropped a significant distance onto a solid cement floor.

Ouch!

Midori wrote about the incident over at the Eden Fantasies' site in a posting called - The Suspension Accident: It Finally Happened...

Wow, again.

I'm sure everybody involved in this incident is feeling more than a little hurt and confused.  Heck, I'm feeling the tug of both emotions writing about it.  Although I've never met her in person, I've always had great respect for Midori, based upon her writing and reputation, as well as the large amount of BDSM educational work she's done.  I've always wanted to attend one of her workshops and meet her in person.

I also know that dropping a submissive is inexcusable.  Yes, dominants are human and fallible, but the standards that are taught and used by suspension bondage performers shouldn't be different than the standards that properly trained rock and mountain climbers use in their hobby.  From that perspective, there's just no excuse for this kind of failure.  None.

I used to informally teach rappelling and rock climbing to friends.  The instruction itself was actually strict and unwavering on the topic of safety, the word "informal" is used to indicate that I didn't charge a fee, I never had a class schedule.  Instead, I took a group out one day a week every week for two years, supplying my rope and knowledge, driving an old Plymouth Fury packed with gear and people to a climbing area about an hour away from where I grew up. 

I'm quite proud that a good number of people were able to experience a unique hobby that they otherwise never would have known.  I'm also proud that there was never even the slightest injury on what folks called "Michael's Climbing Expeditions".  The name was kinda fun, and I never had the heart to tell them it was simply an "outing", what we were doing was a pale ghost of a real expedition.  I guess "outing" has a different meaning now days anyway . . .

In describing the incident, Midori Went on to say:

Those of us who play with kink have access to scores of workshops, seminars, and manuals on how to avoid this very sort of thing. But when it actually happens, none of it is enough.
The reality is, I’m simply lucky something like this didn’t happen sooner. One of the things we forget when we get into the play space is no matter how many of those classes you’ve taken (or in my case, taught), no matter how many knots you’ve tied, or how many scenes you’ve negotiated, it never becomes perfectly safe. After twenty years of public and private rope play, I was reminded of a single, brutal truth — a truth of which few dare to speak: if you do kink long enough, you will have a scene go bad, sometimes horrifically bad.
Mountain climbers and motorcyclists alike have their own version of that rule. There are two kinds of bikers; those who’ve crashed their bikes, and those who haven’t crashed their bikes yet. But in the kink milieu, we’re silent about the risk. The workshops and guidebooks become incantations that will protect us from harm with mystical infallibility. Bad things only happen to the newbies and the tourists, not real kinksters who know what they’re doing — so goes the unspoken faith. Because mishaps and accidents reside in the realm of the hypothetical, when it becomes real and personal, we’re often not prepared.
The woman I dropped was my co-performer at a fetish dinner theater; two hundred plus guests in elegant attire were watching us. One minute, she was flying through the air, her graceful arms flowing. The next, she was on the floor. I had a nanosecond of bafflement, and then it hit me:
She fell.
I dropped her.
Even as time slowed and stretched, my old military training came up. Over two hundred people were watching us, and panic would only make things worse. After quickly assessing she was conscious and could move, I decided the best thing for her safety and the audiences would be to get her offstage in as calm a fashion as possible. Staying in character, I “danced” her offstage and to the dressing room where the medically trained staff attended to her.
What draws most of us to kink is that it allows us to access raw, intense emotions that we have to keep locked away on a day-to-day basis. The risk is that while a good scene can send you flying so high you think you’ll break right through the sky, a bad one can be devastating, and the devastation doesn't stop at the end of the evening. The emotional fallout can come at different stages and at different times, like any grief process.
That kind of trauma doesn’t fit easily in how we think about “sex positivity.” So much of our training and community values are based on being positive about sexuality that negative experiences get swept under the rug.
There is too much at stake in a scene for us to pretend that with the proper invocations, everything will go right. If we are not ready for things to go wrong, we can’t be there for our friends and partners when a scene causes physical or emotional injury.
Perhaps the next stage in kink education needs to be training to respond to “Oh, shit!” situations, so that responses to crises in a playspace become as standard as knowing your safeword and packing EMT shears.
But to go beyond even that, to start to discuss failed scenes openly and with compassion, we have to realize that the pain and consequences go deeper than we might first think. The loss of trust in partner and self can be deeper than any wound.
Even the best of responses is never perfect. I did the best I could for my co-performer: I went with her to the hospital and paid her medical bills. Fortunately her physical injuries were not as catastrophic as they could have been. The depth of the emotional pain, however, is likely to be far deeper, but only she will know how deep.
What I do know is that I screwed up. She trusted me with her body and safety, and I quite literally let her fall. I’m not sure when I’ll do another suspension. For now, I have to go back to the drawing board and review my own skills before I’m ready to take flight with another. I’ll be working up towards that.
No matter how much we study or train, know this: we will fail someday. When that day comes, be ready.

Midori's words are especially disheartening to me because a responsible dominant should not even begin to ever accept that "we will fail someday" - failure with another's life at stake is worse than inexcusable.  Accepting failure in this circumstance is negligence, and it may be criminal.  The reality is that most legal authorities would consider a death under these conditions to be a form of negligent homicide, at the very least it would be investigated as such . . .  

In teaching rock climbing I taught people that all injuries were the result of human error.  If a rope was cut by a sharp rock edge, that's not an act of nature, it's human failure, the rope should have been placed differently or padded.  If an anchor point failed, it wasn't the fault of nature, it was human error in selecting an improper or unsuitable location, anchor points need to be "bombproof" I used to say.

When we begin to accept that "accidents will happen", when we start by saying we are somehow "lucky" an incident didn't happen sooner, we are going down a very slippery slope.  That attitude, no matter how strongly couched in words about being prepared for disasters, is an actual recipe for disaster.

This is an important story for the BDM community.  I'm sure it's being heatedly discussed in a number of venues. In case anyone has "issue" from a copyright standpoint, with my complete copy and paste of Midori's post, I can only say (in defense) that I didn't wish to be accused of editing her comment in a prejudicial manner.  Any edit I might make might be interpreted as an attempt to make her look either good or bad, it's like navigating a mine field, any step can cause an explosion.

This incident may have happened on another continent, and "only" one individual was dropped, but it's reverberations will be felt world wide for some time to come.  I'm documenting it here as "news" the best I can, for posterity, and in hope that the proper lesson will be taken and remembered.

Ball Gags and Phthalates - another installment of "Not in Her Mouth"

unsafe ballgag due to phythalates

I own this gag, or I once did.

Not this specific individual gag, as I never shared my toybox with anyone at gagged.com where this picture originated.  But, it's safe to say I have a gag of this kind, one that looks exactly like this.  I purchased the gag in the Fall of 2001, while on a vacation.

When vacationing, travelling our country's interstate highway system, I've always had a habit of stopping at every sleazy XXX video store I encounter.  It's an odd pastime, but one I find quite entertaining.  Before the explosion of online shopping opportunities for BDSM gear, it was also a way to keep finding interesting items for my toybag.

I've instructed my slave/wife Serafina to go thru my boxes of old and surplus BDSM gear later this week, to see if I can find the old gag and include a better picture of it with this post.  I'm not sure if it's still around though, because it was "removed from service" due to issues with the rubber ball portion of the ball gag.

I own several ball-gags.  It's not a strong fetish for me, but gags are something I truly enjoy.  I guess I'm lucky that way. I have a great appreciation for most fetishes and fetish items, but I have no strong fetishes myself, leaving me free to explore almost endless possibilities and variations in BDSM play.

In my experience, it's rare to find a submissive who actually enjoys being gagged, but in the end it's also rare for one to totally refuse to to allow me the pleasure of using a gag on them.  It's a matter of safety, and ultimately, a matter of trust.

I've always openly advised submissives to never allow someone they don't implicitly trust to use a gag upon them.  I think that advice is just common sense, but common sense doesn't always take precedence when a terrible ache in a clit or cock just begs for relief.  So, I always advise people to be educated before they try more serious BDSM toys and techniques, including the use of gags.

To be very honest, I've also always been a fan of the "damsel in distress" school of bondage, and gags are almost an absolute necessity for this style.  That has shaped my evolution as a dominant.  Because of my style and those safety warnings, the onus is completely on me to earn a submissive's full trust if I wish to endeavor to play the kind of kinky games I most desire.

OK, enough generalities for now about safety and trust in BDSM, let's get back to my discussion of this particular gag.

It's a pretty enough gag, the red leather and black ball are exactly opposite the most common ball gag combination, black leather and red ball.  In the case of the gagged.com picture I've borrowed for this article, the black ball nicely accentuates this model's bright red lipstick.  A dear old friend of mine used to call that shade "cocksucker red" - although I've never found it listed under that name by Maybelline.

In terms of construction, the red leather of the straps was very nice and soft.  I suspect they are made from goat skin leather, which is also fairly commonly used for making women's leather fashion garments.  Serafina has a lovely red corset made of goat skin leather that's just like the feel and texture of the straps on this gag.

The buckle and rivet hardware was at least adequate, although I personally prefer shiny chrome steel hardware.  I'll always remember reading about the old Leatherman fashion edict that chrome and brass fittings should never be mixed in a single outfit, and this gag has neither.  I suppose that the color of the hardware wouldn't matter when it's used on someone who's mostly naked, and it's not of great concern to the proper look of a damsel in distress type of scene anyway.

The ball itself, the "working" portion of the gag, is large and solid.  The rubber ball is soft and yielding yet still very firm, very much like dildos and other insertable toys made from "jelly rubber."  At least a little bigger in circumference than most other ball gags, the rubber ball is a real mouthful, probably too big for a smaller submissive like Serafina.

All things considered, it was a functional gag, somewhat unique, pretty enough as those kind of things go, but the  rubber ball poses a real problem.   The dark but slightly translucent soft rubber undoubtedly contains phthalates - a chemical cousin of naphthalene.  Phthalates are commonly used as plasticizers, they make PVC and other rubber products more flexible and transparent, and in some cases more durable too.

It turns out, the soft and flexible, slightly translucent rubber ball used for this gag is like a poster child for rubber made with phthalates.  Not only does the rubber's soft texture indicate the likely presence of phthalates, it's semi-transparent appearance virtually guarantees the presence of that toxic chemical.

I wrote about phthalates a few weeks ago here at SpiritualBDSM.com in an essay titled - the smell is like napalm but it doesn't smell like victory - Phthalates pt. 1.  If you don't want to bother reading the whole essay, (I think it's entertaining enough but I know some folks are pressed for time,) the summation is pretty simple . . .  You don't want phthalates put where they can easily be absorbed, meaning that oral, anal and vaginal use are verboten.

That's the bad news, that gags like these need to be assigned to the circular file, consigned to the trash bin.  The aren't really safe for use by humans.  The good news is that there is no reason to stop using all ball gags, there are plenty of ways to avoid filling a submissive's mouth with plasticizer.

Safe ball gags are made of inert materials like silicone, and other phtyalate free materials.  Other alternatives to ball gags include: the classic panty gag, scarves, bandannas, rope gags, fingers, and tape (just to name a few.)  That doesn't seem too limiting, does it?

For liability purposes, I'm probably supposed to say something to the effect that you should not try this in your own home, that activities involving gags are inherently dangerous, in extreme cases a mishap could result in death.  That's all true, but many if not most of life's activities could qualify for that same disclaimer, including showering alone or driving a car.

People drawn to BDSM and fetish activities are eventually going to want to try the activities they see portrayed in pictures and video, and nothing I can say here on this website will change human nature.  So I will simply conclude with a strong warning, but one that acknowledges that adults often consent to a wide range of risky activities for excitement, it's part of being human.

Always play safe when using gags.

Educate yourself, not just with this cursory glance at gags and gagging, but with a variety of sources and authorities.  Always obtain proper consent before using a gag.  Never leave a gagged submissive alone, or unattended.  And, always have a pre-arranged safety signal in place for times when a safeword can't be uttered.

Any questions?