prt-6 How To Become a Submissive- if you don't think you are yet

On Self-Destructive behavior

Some people really have a longing for external correction and if it is not supplied to us as a child, or perhaps if it was imposed on us by overbearing adults we may we have a very real need of those boundaries as adults. And some of those adults can not even bring themselves to discipline their own children by brute methods but still feel the need to be “spanked” emotionally

I-74 Bridge Mississippi
photo by Serafina

I can understand the self-spanking thing as a child but why if you don't think that spanking is appropriate for your children . . . why then would you wish to require another adult to be responsible to discipline you for your short-comings? . . . and where do you then draw the line in the sand about determining if it was a prolonged form of assault or just some marital bedroom play.

just a thought. . .if you felt the need to want to spank yourself back as a child was that because you thought that there was a need for the naughty consequence? and was it there because your parent was inconsistent and in your purer state of mind there was some of that need for consistency factored in by any chance?

I think of God as my Father. he is loving and kind. Like most parents on earth he is patient and he eagerly looks for things that indicate proper development of each child, to learn, to gain in stature and strength, to explore his likes. I have never met a parent who hovers over his child just to "catch him in the act" so that he could met out punishment, and yet so many think of God sets traps for us and is wanting to punish. . . and that simply is not true.

Daffodil
photo by Serafina

A human being when he first arrives into this world has need to be completely controlled, because left to his own, they will perish. so we diaper him and feed him bath all the rest, but we do expect that some time soon he will begin to feed himself, walk, talk and even learn bladder and bowel self control. We expect them to learn how to take responsibility and become self-disciplined.

For me I do not need another fellow adult to assume responsibility to make me a better person. . at least not yet. . .and I am not responsible for the behavior of some other adult either, so I do not have to change anyone but myself. So I am what I am and I am fully responsible for me. Now I can ask someone to assist me, by reminders and maybe even incorporate that into play events, but never as a means for discipline!

Some. in regard to the parent - child scenario, don't have children. . . .and they role play in this regard. They tend to view it as an example as if a child is punished for misbehaving or not following the parents rules, so should a wife be. If punishment was always a deterrent for them as a child so they feel it should work as an adult. Unfortunately, if husband does not punish, their infractions are more frequent. Therefore they are hopeful that someone will help them to be more obedient. They seem to try to locate a place where there are a concrete set of rules to follow.

You see, I am so opposite of that kind thinking. That does not mean that either

of us is more correct. . . it is simple the way I understand . . let me explain. . .Marriage and relationships are built in an adult world. . . adults even supervise young children's relationships. . . .therefor a spouse would not dare to punish me for any infraction in my world. . .UNLESS it is strictly play

I am responsible for ME!

I am not responsible for my partner nor my friends much less acquaintances.. . . and I am pretty sure that no one is going to force you to

do anything. . . because in the end YOU! . . my dear are going to take responsibility for YOU!  In the end we all have to grow up!! It is called LIFE and learning to be submissive and and in that the submissive one holds all the power.

However how does one reach this level of submission?  That is the Million dollar question with a 5 cent answer. . .

You become completely responsible and be accountable to yourself, for yourself, by yourself. . . .how? . . .by practicing being the very best woman you can be. . .by being upright and trust-worthy in every aspect. . .

Of course some areas will require a lot of work and some areas may come naturally. . . let go of what is not important, and decide who/what really matters. . . don't forget to allow time for play and have fun, but realize even that is a type of work, or it can be,

because some of us don't know how to relax.

It likely won't be real easy. . . because breaking old habits can be difficult. . . but if you can refocus upon a new one and earn it for yourself, you begin to feel more accomplished and as you feel fulfilled, you begin to reach towards more of the same. . .

Now . . .when you are on such a journey you become more desirable and attract people. . .  what we are looking for,  is someone who who is like-minded and wants someone to mirror and complete them and you both.  Don't settle for less.  You deserve the best.

Submission is simple really. . . it is a meshing and dance that allows each of you your unique and separate identity by allowing him to take the role of leadership.  Within  that relationship you are each others primary concern and well-being.

Submission is very much like the old Swiss-made clocks. Inside you will see many little gears and springs, each doing the job they are designed to do. . . imagine what would happen is one of those parts were to get selfish and demand that other parts pick up and take over for them one day, because they just wanted to, or they thought they were far superior to all the rest?. . .

Even a King Pin holding it all together is nothing if he doesn't do his part . . or if he has nothing to hold together!

photo by Serafina

It will take you all the rest of your life to work it out. . . because as soon as you have something under your ownership another project will appear. . . not that you even work on one thing at any time. . . but you certainly have the ability to work on specifics.  Always watch over every aspect and be aware that in the areas we are confident in as being strong may become a point of vulnerability.  Then attacks there will be surprising, but if you focus too much on fixing and working on weaker points, the attacks and wear can buckle those strong areas.

So there ya go. . . you make the rules . . . or you can abdicate your power and let someone else hold you to the fire who might be some person with dysfunctional behavior. . . we all have choices. . .and so we better make them clearly.

I am aware that not everyone will agree with me.

What think you?  What is your experience?

prt-5 How To Become a Submissive- if you don't think you are yet

On morals and ethics concerning triads, and whether we own our partners issues

I disagree about his issues being mine. . .because, . . I own my issues. . .and I make up my mind because I have choices. . . now that may mean I forfeit my preferences to honor him. . .once done, however it would be preferred to stay the course. . .therefore I advise make  choices very carefully and responsibly. . .

Now having said that I can share with you the way Master and I met would have turned religious people upside down in aghast!! . . .lol!!

I was actually proposed to by Masters now  former wife. . . to come into the relationship as a triad contract. . .unfortunately for her  jealousy set in.

turns out that she and Master have always had a very conflicted relationship and her instability could not be satisfied by anything Master accommodated for her. . . 

photo by Serafina

I am very much a Christian Believer and consequently I had to do a lot of introspect in needing to stand before the Creator in good conscientiousness. . .You realize that even in the time that Jesus walked this earth, that multiple wives was still very much the custom and it was continued for some time after. . . which is  why was it necessary for Timothy to teach that. . .

(1Ti 3:2) A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behavior, given to hospitality, apt to teach
and it was Paul who advocated
1Co 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

He was aware that relationships require effort, time and work. . .especially if they wanted to share the ministry, and Paul was happy to have no domestic attachments. . .so from that I was also very aware that multiple wives were common all throughout the old Testament. . .and not even the ten commandments do not address the issue. . .

However Master and I are very satisfied and just do not want or need the extra fuss and energy other than for one another. . .and that we hold very close to our hearts

Not all are created equally

My advice is to chose wisely and very carefully. I mean that his moods and feeling and challenges impact me and our lives together. He can't have a major issue  that I would not be affected; even if he does not share his problems with me.

His issues do affect me, and likewise mine affect him also. . . in a commitment sharing means caring. . . but here's the thing. . . .if you say: that a part of his issue becomes mine and it is a commitment on my part to support all of his needs which can include what he may struggle with.”

I would respond that to do that there has to be total and complete trust for each of you. . . if there are questions. . . and I hear you wondering, and . . . he may have questioned your intents also . . . that tells me that there is not a total trust just yet. . . see if you can dialogue thru that. . . but please do it with a sweet serene disposition. . . and with eyes and heart wide open. . . and I wish you peace and wisdom.

photo by Serafina

Someone shared: “ . . . it made me happy to hear Him say that. He has accepted my gift of submission exclusive to Him. And i realize that i am no longer a wife wanting to submit to her husband. i am a submissive wife. i have a lot to learn and improve upon, but fresh submission is still valuable. Wee! i feel giddy! ^_^”

. . . what is stated here is a very great place to start. . . now it would be prudent  to continue keeping your house in order, and making your children your children mind, is the greatest gift you can offer. . .

Many folks think that being a submissive is something that is concrete rather than something that is abstract . . . (see the adjective descriptions.)  Yet, ironically it is the abstract that becomes something concrete! . . let me explain by showing what happened to you.

You realize that submission first is a state of being and then actions follow that recognition . . ie you got the love, and compassion for you husband etc. All of it begins in your heart and flows forth from there. Many days it may not feel that special, in fact many times it might even feel like the old grungy days and nothing more but what has changed is you hold the reins of your heart and you keep in check those actions that are detrimental to your chosen station in life.

So how do you begin? with baby steps, and simply one step at a time!

as you become aware, you incorporate another concept and translate those into actions. . . and yeah! it is easy to say and takes a life-time to achieve.

The reward is the satisfaction you have for being at peace within and accepting whatever life throws at you no matter if you wanted them in the first place. I don't know of any one ever signed up to be caregivers of difficult and aging parents, or all the myriads of life appointment's and frustrations but most of us are given such a task at some point or other anyway. We need to be at peace with that, . . even if it may have turned your life up-side-down

Adj. 1. concrete - capable of being perceived by the senses; not abstract or imaginary; "concrete objects such as trees" real, existent - being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verified existence; not illusory; "real objects"; "real people; not ghosts"; "a film based on real life"; "a real illness"; "real humility"; "Life is real! Life is earnest!"- Longfellow tangible, touchable - perceptible by the senses especially the sense of touch; "skin with a tangible roughness"

adj. 1. abstract - existing only in the mind; separated from embodiment; "abstract words like `truth' and `justice'"-. Considered apart from concrete existence: an abstract concept. - Difficult to understand; abstruse: abstract philosophical problems. - Thought of or stated without reference to a specific instance: abstract words like truth and justice. - Having an intellectual and affective artistic content that depends solely on intrinsic form rather than on narrative content or pictorial representation: abstract painting and sculpture.

prt-4 How To Become a Submissive- if you don't think you are yet

O Depression!

Did you know BTW, that all depression is rooted in some kind of anger. . . that is what I was taught in a women's issues support group. That statement hit me like an avalanche . . and has given me a new perspective and a need to self evaluate. . . if I feel depressed- what am I angry about?

Sometimes depression can also be triggered by insufficient light . . hang in there- the days are getting longer. . . . (you might have SADs)

try are remember that altogether too soon the little ones will not be little anymore. . . and fly away. . .

Oh how I wish I could go back and redo the time I did not spend with them and spend what I did differently-- more quality and purposeful. . .

Purposeful I think is the key. . . if I only knew then what I know so fully now. . . maybe, just maybe I could have things better now. . .

Hope
photo by Serafina

Take any opportunity to build memories. . . do not make the mistake of thinking that this is a waste of time, or any other if onlys, or that you would be any happier doing any other thing. . . .

NO!! this is the most important time of your life. . . Grasp it with ALL YOUR MIGHT!!

Some might argue

“Humans, though, are creatures of habit and I often find my thoughts returning to the other way of thinking. . . .It is just so damn draining!

I know rewards are coming.... can someone give me an arrival date?! I can work to a deadline!!”

yes. . . and no unfortunately. . . all I can really tell you is that life is so thin. . . and fragile. . . . while I was so mad at my oldest son for leaving the way he did, and choosing poorly. . . I was afraid . . .more afraid than angry . .

and 1 Am one Monday a policeman knock at our door and asked if we knew the person whose driver's license he was carrying . . which we immediately recognized. . . he just said "sorry. . . he was just killed. . . mowed down by drinking, speeding car, etc". . .

I do not want to sound morbid. . but the short version is. . . I lost it all. . .a marriage of 34 years. . and the remaining three children are horribly alienated. . . and there is not a thing I can do about it. . . but maybe if I can help another. . . maybe there can be something to redeem, then.

On Having a Grateful Heart

Perhaps if you choose to not dwell on how restricted, trapped, bored, stressed, (you fill in any other here),you feel,. . . then instead . . . . verbally give thanks to God, G_D, Creator, Abba Allah,or whatever name you call him, in appreciation of what all you have now and to accept and appreciate,

If every time you are prone to grumbling, begin to give thanks for so many things. . . I used to tell my youth group how every Jewish person says about 49 or more "barucha's (Thank-yous and blessings) in a day. . . they always respond with appreciation. . .and I would ask them what things they might think of to give thanks for. I get many creative answers, like food, shelter, clothes, health, things, things and more things.

I then ask them if they could pray and give thanks while they are showering, . . well yes- they can be clean and have clean hot water, etc And I pump them for more things they could be more grateful for each day.

Finally, I ask if they could give thanks for peeing. . .always elicits giggles. . but makes a good point. If we look there are many reasons to give thanks in and for almost everything. . . 

because I can guarantee that if your kidneys fail, you would soon be asking publicly for prayer. . so giving thanks for peeing is quite logical now.

Finally. . .submitting to depression,  is a choice  . . a choice you make to give or withhold.

prt-3 How To Become a Submissive- if you don't think you are yet

Submission like Love is a Choice

a choice you make to give or withhold

a choice we make daily and from moment to moment.

If there is love and respect . . love, commitment and submission will flow.

When respect moves out so will love and there is no submission in that. . . so you either have it and it grows in understanding, or you can be open and engage as . . . . and when you are ready

But now we are moving into the true areas of submission --submission of the soul. Scary stuff!

If there is trust. . . and I certainly do NOT :!: mean blind, untested trust. . . you can let it happen. . .that is all :|

if there is a viable seed it will grow and live and continue unless some event plucks it. . . if carefully tended it may well bloom and bear fruit!

are we not like seeds :?: and plants :?:

Now my husband orders for me at restaurants all the time, but i feel loved and protected when he does so, but he always asks me what I like!! I am guessing you have the same. . . and yes those actions make me feel like I belong and safe. . . security that arises from full trust and confidence in him.

That is the difference that people are seeing here, and anything that is birthed from fear or forced obligation is not submission at all . . . it is subjection. another word could be slavery.

It is one thing to be a love-slave for someone and quite another to be a slave of which the definition is

Noun
1. a person legally owned by another for whom he or she has to work without freedom, pay, or rights
2. a person under the domination of another or of some habit or influence: a slave to party doctrine
3. Informal a badly-paid person doing menial tasks

I fully give myself to Master Michael.  I love him with all my heart, soul and thought.  Everything I do and am revolves first around Master. Beyond that I find some things I enjoy on my own when and if there is time and energy.  I come second.  However I also know that I come first in Master's mind.  It works!

prt-2 How To Become a Submissive- if you don't think you are yet

Cringing at the word Submission

At one time I hated the word submission. . . I cringed every time it was mentioned and I had heard many eloquent and passionate sermons thumped out browbeating women of their need to be submissive to their husbands.  But with time and patience of the Creator, I have come to understand submission in a deep and beautiful way.

In our relationship I am submissive. .. . it does carry over into everyday life. . . but it is when we play- that it becomes front and center.. . .and it is then I call him sir or Master and remember to say and ask for things with much fanfare and flair!. . . we each have equal but very different responsibilities. . . and I always give way to what he wants. . . and of course he sees to it that I am happy.

I am a person who works best independently. . .as in finding appropriate solutions and doing a fine job. I do not like to have someone scrutinizing every move unless I ask for it because I am learning a new thing. If I have a job,task to do I do it with all my might and do not require supervision, and I am a leader in my own right also.

Pelicans on the Mississippi
photo by Serafina

There are some things that I excel at and there are things Master excels at more than I. That does not mean that I should not attempt to increase my skills, in fact I am encouraged to continue to become the very best person I can become.

Like others have also said. . . our journey is ours and we decide how to shape that. . . and it happens when you discuss and communicate. . . LOTS!!

Someone shared with me :

“All my life, i have always been more passive. i don't like confrontation and would rather compromise to make others happy. . .”

I responded:

I am thinking that by passive you mean in a correct context as in non-confrontational , and giving way to decisions made by your husband, and having his back at all times with the kids, etc. . . and then you add that you would rather compromise to make others happy. . . .but what if he won't have your back?

What will happen when your little ones turn into teens-(and they will turn into one!) want to put a lock on their bedroom door for a way to have their "privacy", and your husband undermines your morals, agrees with your young teen, and loosens all rules and it is OK for your child and the friend of opposite sex to be left unattended in that bedroom from the moment they get out of school until a parent pick the boy up around 11:30 pm??? And hubby even helps install the lock :o

Will you be passive then :?:

I actually believe you are a truly and naturally a sweet submissive just like many of us are. . . others have to work much more carefully at it. . .

and I would hope that we do not resort to excusing ourselves by saying things like because I am submissive, I can not be held responsible for anything. . .

It is most important to be very careful about what you don't protect, because you can end up not being or getting deserved appreciated for making others happy . . . . and what happens is- when you bury or stifle your own happiness, it can turn into depression because you will become resentful and angry inside.

prt-1 How To Become a Submissive- if you don't think you are yet

This is a script from a conversation I had with another person on a submissives forum. . Names, etc have been changed.

Dogwood flowers

photo by Serafina

Sent: Wed May 13, 2009 12:29 pm

by Daisy

hi Serafina

thank you for the welcome note. in regard to the parent - child scenario, no i don't have children. i don't roleplay in this regard either, rather i use it as an example as if a child is punished for misbehaving or not following the parents rules, so should a wife be. i know punishment was always a deterrent for me as a child so i feel it should work as an adult. unfortunately, for me my husband does not punish so infractions are more frequent. i'm hopeful that joining this group will help me to be more obedient. i cant seem to locate a place where there are a concrete set of rules to follow.

Daisy

Re: welcome note

Sent: Wed May 13, 2009 5:44 pm

by Serafina

well thanks for pm-ing me I did not expect a private answer. . . You see, I am so opposite of your thinking. That does not mean that either of us is more correct. . . it is simple the way I understand . .let me explain. . .Marriage and relationships are built in an adult world. . . adults even supervise young children's relationships. . . . therefor a spouse would not dare to punish me for any infraction in my world. . .UNLESS it is strictly play. . it smacks of abuse excuse.

I am responsible for ME!

I am not responsible for my partner nor my friends much less acquaintances.. . . and I am pretty sure that no one is going to force you to do anything. . . because in the end YOU! . . my dear are going to take responsibility for YOU! 

It is a leg in your journey called LIFE and learning to be submissive and and in that the submissive one holds all the power.

I wish you the very best and most interesting journey.

Your friend,

Serafina

PS you can pm me anytime if you wish

Re: welcome note

Sent: Tue May 19, 2009 7:05 am

by Daisy

Serafina

thank you for your insight. i actually agree with you completely, however how does one reach this level of submission?

Daisy

Sent: Wed May 19, 2009

by Serafina

That is the Million dollar question with a 5 cent answer. . .

You become completely responsible and be accountable to yourself, for yourself, by yourself. . . .how? . . .by practicing being the very best Daisy you can be. . .by being upright and trust-worthy in every aspect. . .

of course some areas will require a lot of work and some areas may come naturally. . . let go of what is not important, and decide who/what really matters. . . don't forget to allow time for play and have fun, but realize even that is a type of work, or it can be, because some of us don't know how to relax.

        It sometimes will not be easy. . . because breaking old habits can be       difficult. .  . but if you can refocus on a new one and earn it for yourself, you begin to feel more accomplished and as you feel fulfilled, you begin to reach towards more of the same. . .

Now . . .when you are on such a journey you become more desirable and attract one of 2 kinds of people. . . one you need to avoid because they see in you someone to rescue them from their own responsibility, and they may have a strong need to assist/enable them, or and this is what we are looking for, someone who who is like-minded and wants someone to mirror and complete them and you both.

For them submission is simple really. . . it is a meshing and dance that allows each of you your unique and separate identity by allowing him to take the role of leadership within which you are each others primary concern and well-being.

Submission is very much like the old Swiss-made clocks. Inside you will see many little gears and springs, each doing the job they are designed to do. . . imagine what would happen is one of those parts were to get selfish and demand that other parts pick up and take over for them one day, because they just wanted to, or they thought they were far superior to all the rest?. . . Even a King Pin holding it all together is nothing if he doesn't do his part . . or if he has nothing to hold together!

It will take you all the rest of your life to work it out. . . because as soon as you have something under your ownership another project will appear. . . not that you even work on one thing at any time. . . but you certainly have the ability to work on specifics.

So there ya go. . . you make the rules . . . or you can abdicate your power and let someone else hold you to the fire who is likely another person with dysfunctional behavior.. . we all have choices. . .and we better make them clearly.

I am aware that not everyone agrees with me, but I have yet to see where people SAY they have a good relationship and see it last any length of time and not crumble apart with deep resentment when personal needs and desires are not in tandem.

Hang in there,

Serafina

Re: on submission

Sent: Tue May 19, 2009 10:45 am

From: Daisy

To: Serafina

thank you for that response....it made me smile. you sound like a very nice, intelligent person. if you don't mind, let me ask you this one question: in regard to your response to me that i am accountable to me....if my husband has a series of rules or guidelines in the home{which i have to admit are for the best} but it's just "easier" for me to "do it another way" when i can get away with it.... is that not being accountable to myself? if that sounds confusing, let's say that it's easier for me to leave the door open if i have several packages to carry in, he thinks the door should be shut and reopened as needed. although i know the guidelines he wishes i would follow are very valid, is trying to "get away with it being less than upright and trustworthy? i think you're going to say of course its dishonest...

thank you so much

Daisy

Well I didn't have an answer for Daisy then . . I sure hope Daisy is still on her personal journey.  My reply today might be:

Dear Daisy

Perhaps another good word for submission is surrender. 

Complete and perfect obedience is key, because that establishes that you are trustworthy.  Your method may even be better than your master, but unless you have discussed changes or the possibility beforehand you'd be best fulfilling all your word.  Yes you could "get away" with stuff that is less than earth-shattering, but one day you will slip-up and have to account for that.  And anyway do you really want a conscience that knows you are less than compliant?

  If you completely disagree with an edict, you need to let him know, and perhaps you can reach another compromise.  

I wish you wisdom in all your relations,

Your friend,

Serafina

"breaking" a submissive . . .

I've seen a number of posts recently on the topic of "breaking" a submissive, a subject on which I have many of my own thoughts to share.  However, before inflicting my opinions upon you, my dear reader, I'd like to begin by quoting another dominant I've grown to respect greatly.

Here is Omega's opening comment from the Power Exchange where he penned a post called Breaking the Girl.  It's as good an introduction to this topic as any I've seen:

It conjurs the image of a wild horse, the animal being roped. She struggles, fighting wildly against it. Eventually calming, only to have a rider on her back. The sensation, odd at first she bucks fiercely trying to knock the rider off. After several times, she calms, relaxing into it, accepting the rider. Eventually it sinks in, she intrinsically understands it is hopeless to effect a change.
She becomes dependent on her owner, who feeds her, washes her down after a ride and she remains fiercely loyal to her owner. The horse is broken, but has gained a greater purpose in service to her owner.
It is important to keep reminding one self; women are not horses.

As was once said in a hit song, "I second that emotion."  Let me reiterate, "It is important to keep reminding one self; women are not horses."  I'm a dominant who's also a bit of a sexual sadist, but I don't believe in tearing people down to build them up, and I don't believe in breaking submissives.  If that's your kink or your style, there's not a lot we can expect to have in common.

As Omega said, "The topic of breaking another conjures such great visceral responses."  I just want to make it clear that I am myself reacting viscerally, for a number of reasons.  If ya don't like what I'm saying, you are welcome to look elsewhere for your reading material, as this is one topic where I will not negotiate or debate.

Back in December I wrote a post that touched on this subject, where I said:

I have to admit watching a proud woman who is my equal kiss my boots is a far greater charge of excitement for me than were it done by a woman who was kissing them not out of honor, respect and devotion, but instead was slavishly attending my boots because she felt inferior.
Meh, sorry, being served by the downtrodden is no charge at all.  Nobody can give me proper respect if they have none for themselves.  I can't have any fun reducing someone to writhing like an animal, begging for pleasure, and then begging for the same pleasure to stop, if they are already surviving like an animal.
If a slave is somebody who has been totally devalued, I'd not want to command them, I'd want to shelter and protect them until they felt valued and human.  My style of domination isn't depersonalizing, in fact quite the opposite, it's expressed by continually pushing for growth, empowerment, and enlightenment within the rituals and devotions of submission.

I guess that's as good and succinct a comment as any I'd pen today on the topic.  So, with that in mind, I won't try to reiterate the points again, instead I'll attempt to illustrate with short story from my life.  It is very recent, and it's very raw in my psyche, because it involves an individual I've come to care about deeply, despite never having met in person.

Yesterday, Serafina and I were messaged by a dear friend who's been experiencing ups and downs in a long distance relationship with a dominant.  Our friend was devastated, she'd been crying, and she really needed a friendly shoulder.  I'd planned to hitch Serafina up to our new dungeon bed last night for a figging and a flogging, but plans for fun don't trump the real life needs of an individual we care about.  Meaning that instead my slave/wife spent two hours on the phone consoling our friend, who believes her relationship with her dom guy is over.

Our friend was destroyed by what had happened with her love, you might even say that for a moment, she felt broken by the turmoil, angst, and separation.  I'm not trying to say she was "broken" in the sense used in posts like "Breaking the Girl", where the discussion is more about dominants and submissives who fantasize and romanticize the act of breaking a submissive, instead I'm trying to make a correlated point.

My point is simply that there is no honor in "Breaking the Girl".  It's no accomplishment.  It's nothing to be proud of doing.  It's not even that hard to do, to break someone once you've asked them to put real faith in you.  It might be said that a submissive trusts a dominant in much the same manner as a child initially trusts a parent, in that the trust makes them very open and vulnerable.

It's not difficult to hurt a vulnerable person, it's not hard to break a vulnerable person.  Obviously, something that's not difficult to achieve is no real achievement, if you can understand that kind of logic.

Our friend was hurt simply because she was vulnerable, she was open.  She loved her dominant as a submissive lady should, he didn't return or repay her in kind.  In the end, it seems from my perspective, that he acted like a coward, becoming distant, rather than admitting that his compartmentalized life was designed for short illusive relationships.  She could never belong to him as long as he belonged to his wife . . .

Returning to my more personal commentary rather than a story about a friend. I have to add that a psychiatrist friend of mine calls me a "Master of the Obvious", as I often speak about things others have in front of their faces, but fail or refuse to note for themselves.  My writing, however, tends to be a little more obtuse, so I want to make sure today's message is crystal clear . . .

I can completely understand a person wanting to be "broken" in a very specific manner, as a part of a cathartic release, as a personal challenge, as part of a shamanic type ritual, or perhaps a few other scenarios involving a quest for personal growth or fulfillment.

Such activities must be approached with respect, and must have carefully planned preparations, a limited duration for their fulfillment, not to mention help with recovery from the ordeal.

That's different from breaking a horse, and it's different from truly breaking a submissive.

To "break" a girl as a regular planned part of bringing about their submission, to break them in the sense of creating a quivering creature that is kept in her place with dependence and fear, to make her obedient like a trained animal, isn't exactly a recipe for a better slave.  It's quite the opposite in fact.

In the end, it just seems like a recipe for creating post traumatic stress disorder.


POST SOUNDTRACK - I Second That Emotion by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

Struggling for Submission

This will be a 3rd in a series of submission series Sliding into submission is the first.  2nd is Leaving the world at the door

I see a number of Submissives struggle to stay under Domination. I too struggle from time to time. The best advice is what I remind myself to do is what I advise others to follow. I refer here to Male as Dominant and Female as Submissive, because that is my world. I offer the reader to re-interpret the terms to suit your perspective.

If you love and honor your husband then you are following the greatest Biblical tradition. . And if you call him Master or Lord or Sir, then you are in very fine shape to take the next step. Letting go should not look that much different in most things you do. . but your own attitude will be the most dramatic show.

Within the 24/7 BDSM world, rules that govern a relationship is in a sense taking back the ideals that are in the scriptures. Women are honorable, they have deep spiritual understandings that come from a variety of messengers including every time a woman goes into Estes. During the messes there is a holistic, and spiritual cleansing using only the freshet blood to wash out and slough out spent tissue. It is a perfect time for a women to take a little timeout to regroup her thoughts, get some needed rest, and regroup for the next page of activity.

photo by Serafina Samadhi

It is a good time to get a spa, do your nails, and get a massage and reflect. Ponder on as many things that are positive as possible. Things that seem less positive can be re-channeled into positives. You have to seek them out. A terrible thing may have happened, but what can you learn? Forgive any hurts. You must let go of injuries for your own sake. Adding them up, and hanging on to hurts will make you sick. In poor health you can not make good judgements as well as when your mind is unencumbered.

There will be many times when you slip into an old way of doing things, but try to think about any consequences before you do whatever. Soon this will become a habit and your Master will be honored by it.

There will be times you forget; then half-way through when you remember who you wish to be. And, there may be time when it does not occur to you at all that Master may want to have a say. Confess, apologize, state how you arrived and let him tell you to move on, unless you both engage in reminder play. . it will all be good.

Just be aware and follow through what you have signed up for.

We Submissives are a very fortunate to have found a Master who is patient and takes us back time after time. And he is also fortunate to have a slave who takes time in considering what goes wrong and why.

If you are questioning your motives that is actually good. Because, if you wish to maintain this relationship you must remember it takes 2 hands to clap. . (otherwise you are just thumping).

Relationships are work! it takes both sides to be a relationship. And, no relationship is without flaws.

One of the greatest vulnerabilities of Doms is fear of his slave changing their mind and begin to accuse them of making them do things against their will, and ultimately abandonment. It is important that we fight fairly. Dominants should not threaten with strong actions to reject, nor should the submissive threaten to abandon. Not unless, that is, you are serious, and not just pouting.

It is well possible you are somewhat conflicted yourself about what it is you actually want. I know for myself when I was raising young children it was easy to want more. . or something. . anything else but what I have. The grass always seems greener on the other side.

Not realizing that what I had was exactly what I really wanted. I could only appreciate what I had back then, when years later all was striped away because one of us was so selfish to use the children as pawns. I am so very very lucky to have been sheltered by Master Michael.

My suggestion is to make a list of all the pros and cons of any decision and decide which is your best path. But if incidents arise suddenly without thought, then you need to decide if having your own way is more important that the relationship.

The one very important thing you are doing is reflecting on where/how/when did things go off-track. If you can understand where or how it got off-track then you both can work on better solutions.

We would be interested in hearing how you are working things successfully.

Serafina's Saturday Evening Caning

Photo taken by Master Samadhi

Many of our readers have been waiting patiently for my caning to take place. We have both been under the weather so it had been post-poned, and then post-poned some more. . . but the day did finally arrive. . .and  . . .I survived it!!

Let me begin by stating that I am not inclined to embrace pain. But I do like sensation, Master informs me that in the end they are one and the same.  . .  OKaay . . . . my response is I still don't want pain.

Master is very skilled in controlling every stroke and it was knowing he has those skills and his promise of never abusing my trust in him that even allowed me to submit to the caning. I still feared it deeply.

Immediately after arriving home Thursday night after work, Master placed wrist and ankle cuffs on me to remain on for the entire weekend or at least until after the canning had taken place. Master actually began on Friday by making sweet sweet love to me, but did not let me cum. NO! he just kept taking me right to the edge, and then he'd back off. Master came very hard and left me in a mess to sleep. He told me it was a warm-up for the caning in store for the next evening. Eventually I drifted off.

I had anticipated the caning. . dreading it at times, . . but looking forward to putting it behind me. Literally! Master had me lie face down across the bed. I was tense so I tried to remain calm and relax. He laid the cane on my skin where I felt it's cool smoothness, and he let it glide over his target area. My thought at that moment was I wished he had place a blindfold over, but I didn't want to ask.

I waited. Finally came the first strike, and stingy test one I said was about a 5. "Perfect" he said and delivered the first real one. It was a 8 and a half. It left a clear mark. I really wasn't sure I could go through with it, but I gritted my teeth and asked him to continue. After the next 2 I was really struggling to keep my composure and Master said just 2 more on that cheek. He would trace the lines gently with his finger, but to me it felt like my ass was on fire.

I have been severely, physically abused. This was nothing like the abuse. Master was deliberate and gentle and made a huge fuss about his handiwork and admiring it and encouraging me all the while. I wanted to have him continue, now not just to get it over but to honor him. After it was over I continued to stay in position and Master took a few pictures. When it was over I was wet and ready. . and the rest, as they say, is history.

It was worth it, and although it may never be my favorite play,  I would play that way again.

EDIT by Michael - My Serafina took her caning beautifully.  I limited the caning to 10 strong solid strikes across both cheeks - 5 struck from the right side and 5 from the left.  I used my Deluxe Rattan Cane from Adam and Gillian in standard diameter. (pictured above)  Here's the manufacturer's description of this particular cane.

   Carefully selected real rattan cane is steamed, stretched and then completely submerged in a linseed oil compound for several weeks, dried and varnished to achieve this look and performance. We think it's worth every minute!

    This method enables the oil to fill the capillaries of the rattan, making The DeLuxe Cane denser, more flexible and less likely to break than an ordinary rattan punishment cane. And the feel? -- Iit has to be experienced to be appreciated! The DeLuxe Cane raises the ordinary rattan cane to a new level of elegance and performance.

   Each DeLuxe Cane is shipped with a unique protective carrying and storage scabbard, at no additional cost.

   Only our Modern Handle is offered with this cane. There is more than meets the eye to this handle design. An internal double-helix of nylon paracord strengthens and stabilizes the cane's performance while providing a comfortable and slip-free grip.   Available in a wide choice of colors and combos.

Samadhi playspace for caning

It is a beautiful implement of instruction.
For the caning, Serafina was laid out flat across a mattress which is on the floor of our current play space.  Leather cuffs on her wrists were locked together and then locked down a wooden suspension frame at floor level.
Serafina was at least a little anxious before her caning, but she held up wonderfully.  I very much like to take my time when delivering a caning, I do love tracing the welts with a fingertip, or even tracing the edge of a fingernail along the welt (I think this is the technique I was using to deliver the sensation she described as her ass being on fire!) 

can males properly internalize submission?

Question
It's very curious how you refer to submissive and slaves exclusively as female. Why is that?AnswerI am breaking my standing policy to answer to anonymous posters but would tell you that in my experience male submissive struggle to internalize how to truly be submissive so I usually post my learnings from the women I have trained…educated along life’s path
    -- Erospainter

While I do get considerable inspiration from the various blogs I follow, it's exceedingly rare that I'd address one directly, let alone address a post simply to contradict and disassemble.  If you don't mind odd little metaphors, it's time to say - this is the exception that proves the rule - whatever that is supposed to mean.

Do male submissives really struggle to become truly submissive?

I do know that male submissives are (generally) a bit different from female submissives.  There's no real surprise there if you stop and think about it, vanilla males and females differ considerable, as do male and female dominants.  Heck, it's not just sexes that differ, every submissive and slave are unique and different, not only in appearance, but also unique in mind and spirit.

I'm not a cookie cutter dominant, I'm not going to try and shape every submissive I play with to fit the same mold.  Each is going to internalize submission in their own way, and an enlightened dominant isn't likely to be rigid in approach.  My preference is adapting to guide each in their own way as that is certainly the most productive path, at least that has been the case in my experience.

With all of that in mind, I do not believe that males are inherently incapable of properly internalizing submission, not at all!

I've seen truly slavish males who would do literally anything to please their Mistress, I've known males who lived every bit as submissively as any woman I've ever met.  The trail they follow to get there is usually different than a female submissive's path, but that in no way changes the end result.

We are all entitled to bad moments, to speaking off hand, not meaning exactly what was typed, not typing exactly what we mean.  I hope that's the case with Erospainter's quote.

When I look at the quote for what it actually says, it's not a sex positive message, it's not a message that's positive in any way to the BDSM community as a whole.  It's said there are actually more male submissives than female out there in the world, looking for a guiding hand and more.

With that in mind Erospainter managed, in a single sentence, to disparage more than half of the submissives in existence.  That's not a good or wise thing to say even if it's qualified by the common apologist phrase used by the prejudiced - "in my experience".

You ain't painting eros when you are insulting and disparaging others out of hand, there you are talking words of a significantly different color.  When I hear ignorance couched in those terms, I really need to advise that somebody needs widen their circle of vision, or their circle of friends.

The BDSM community is not above criticism, far from it. I don't know any community that should totally disregard constructive calls for change.  But there's no sense in tearing others down, there's nothing positive that's going to come of treating half of a community with absolute disregard and dismissal.  We all have our own desires, but by making those desires absolute, by saying that one sex can't do it right, the message becomes absolute and negative.

If somebody asks me about referring to my slave/wife and female slave directly, rather than trying to put things into more gender neutral terms, it's not that difficult a question to answer.  That is my current experience, and it's the majority of my sum experience as a dominant, acting as a dominant for female submissives.

My previous sub/wife and I had a "house boy" for six months, something like 20 years ago.  We also had at least two different male friends that the ex-wife dominated under my direction, never on a regular basis, but at least occasionally.  We corresponded and chatted with a number of others through the years, so while my experiences with and around male submissives isn't greatly extensive, it is a topic I can discuss with at least a little authority, having lived with and hosted a male sub.

But is dealing with a male sub going to be my primary frame of reference?  Not as long as I'm being faithful to my own perspective and experience.  There's just no need to disparage anyone in saying that . . .

My Journey

who am I? I wish I knew that in a way that mere words would suffice to tell adequately.

 I have and still am discovering more and more each day. . . that everything I once thought I knew might not be as I'd perceived. 

Reality is born into and dies in each individual mind. . .and every one's perception of reality is only in their mind, even if that person adheres to anther's reality - supposing that he has inherited it by will and choice.

Some people refuse to make their own choices and are never able to become responsible to themselves, and those masses adhere religiously and tenaciously to very entrenched concepts, which become the boundaries of existence, and their need for security is so great that they dare not question boundaries that exist only in their mind, of course, because if indeed they are moved, it upsets their entire paradigm.

Testing boundaries however has lead me on a very fascinating journey.  Some parts of this journey can be extraordinarily difficult and confusing.  I earnestly seek to avoid those parts, wanting to embrace only the enjoyable and wonderful experiences. 

But unless the wonderful is tested,  . . then it is a rental agreement, rather than the ownership contract.  And so I am compelled to stretch the borders of understanding.  The amazing thing is how much more there is than what what I think - than  all the stuff I know.

So much more!  Sometimes The Creator closes a door but then there is an open window. . . maybe a new opportunity, . . and hopefully healing and solace. Michael is my tower of strength. I am deeply committed to him, Thank-you Michael.

I am the author of many photos here at Spiritual BDSM.  I have long been a rather casual, free-lance Photographer. In High School I had the privilege of playing in a black and white darkroom, and was known as the school photo techie.  I enjoyed every aspect from winding cartridges to reload them from bulk film to processing to the most fun part of printing and manual manipulation.

My work was printed in the annual yearbooks and local weeklies and whenever I cared to enter some teen mags I quite often placed.   But, because I married early   to escape a bitter living situation from my parent's home and settled into fulfilling domestic lifestyle that was not conducive to continue or to promote further adventures in photo arts for over 20 years.

I met a lady who became a close friend and mentor and encouraged me to re-open the creative doors that had been closed tight for so long and I joined the Abbotsford Photo Arts Association for 6 years until my friend moved to the Island. 

Because of lack of stimulus and life getting in the way  . . it got pushed aside again.  I didn't lose interest. . .I lost momentum. . .and by the time I returned now. . .the darkrooms had all but vanished and digital was still in early and somewhat unpredictable form. . . so I continued to dabble here and there

While with the APAA we had bi monthly competitions and I frequently earn a coveted place and we also had a number of member arranged excursions and invited "famous" professionals who would share their skills. Even with the encouragement of one of those telling me  that I had exceptional eye, I never acquired the where-with-all to procure professional level equipment, so my goal was to use the equipment I do have to the fullest potential. 

I have had a number of opportunities to use my skills for several conventional weddings and once I was invited to photograph a very Traditional First Nations wedding ceremony, with the attendees in full traditional regalia.

Today I continue to capture and and strive to personally be the best I can become.  I guess in the end that's all we can be.  As an artist, photography is a medium and tool, among canvas, paint, and brushes.  With those tools I try and capture something that inspires and motivates others to find beauty and form in the ashes of life.

The camera is a Cool-pix pro 80 we picked up as an interim camera in lieu of the D-300 or maybe??? we are not quite decided, but we have Nikon 135mm bodies and lenses that we are trying to go digital with.  This little camera has done so well that we are wondering if there is any rush at all. After a lot of thought we did purchase a Nikon7000.  It will now be our primary piece of equipment.

I should also probably mention that Master and I are almost always together so we combine our efforts. . .sometimes I see the shot and he takes it. . especially ones like this, because I have a tremor in my hands and even vibration reduction can not always make up for that.

Even if Master and I met originally in an unusual way, it has and is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I have had this adventure now for close to 8 years, and since then Master has shown me that I am truly a submissive,   I am bound to him as a love-slave, and although we may not be perfect, we do live as much as possible 24/7.

How are you? How was your day?

How are you? How was your day?

What does one reply to the question?

There are lots of people who ask out of just some holy habit. It can be surprising just how strong the forces of habit and rote cognition can be - not really wanting an honest answer. I also know that isn't the case here. But yes - it is such an unexpected thing to have exposed this kind of vulnerability - or fear of being vulnerable.

Almost always when anyone besides Master or close member asks the question, the mind invariably goes into “computer processing “ mode, and given no more thought that computers are capable of giving, Which is to say nothing, and both the one questioning and the one answering are actually grievously dismissive. In the end it is meant to portray a measure of “I care” when in fact neither could care less about the other.

Call it protocol devoid of significance. Or substance, for that matter. I was not used to anyone who actually cared and it was easy to give and OK/fine response because, they were being "nice" by asking but didn't really care. I had done that many times myself.

Sometimes it might feel like a burden or intrusion to have to come up with the details of my day, and sometimes they were interrupting something I was doing. When Master asks. . he really does want to know. He may feel like having a conversation but doesn't have any earth-shattering topic to bring up. It's a kind of an opening gambit . There's no hidden agenda, just wondering about the other ones day.

On the other hand if asked how the day was probably should not be the time to seize the moment and never stop talking or talk endlessly about trivia could eventually shut down the one doing the asking. However during the day when you experience something good or bad you could make mental note that this is something you might share with him at the end of the day.

You might even visualize doing it. Then when you find yourself saying "Fine" you can add, "Well actually, it was better than fine because .... Think of what could happen if we really would ask and really be curious, and be interested in his day as well!

Asking occasionally happens at an inopportune moment, but I love that he wants to share my day. He's the one person that is actually interested in the little things that I mentally bookmark throughout the day what's even nicer, is that it's a two way thing. He has little things to tell me too. As someone said recently “It's a bit like two children emptying their pockets and sharing the treasures they've found that day... a shell, some string, etc!”

presents for slave girl Serafina

pic from Stock Images

I just ordered some very special treats for my slave/wife because she's been a very good girl for a very long time under some very difficult circumstances.

Now, when it comes to "romantic" presents most ladies would prefer things like lingerie or perfume or massage oils, and I certainly have a great appreciation for those things, but my visions are usually a little darker and quite often there's more leather than lace.

So, just for fun, I decided that the readers of our blog will know the identity of her presents even before my sweet Serafina finds out for herself . . .

In case you are wondering, I'm very certain my Serafina is a good girl and I just she won't ruin the surprise by clicking on the links I'm about to share here . . .

Surprise #1

Surprise #2

Surprise #3

While on my shopping spree I did throw in a couple goodies for myself, although I suppose they really are for use on her . . .

toy #1

toy #2

Once the presents arrive we will write about them here and shoot some of our own pictures too!

the lead wheel

My name is Michael Samadhi, this blog will detail the journey I share with my wife Serafina.

Serafina is also my consensual slave, a designation that might confuse or bother someone who's familiarity with slavery is only with forced (or non-consensual) slavery.  With that in mind, I'll try to better explain the dynamics of our relationship . . .

The most simple analogy I can offer is that our relationship is like a bicycle.  I am the lead wheel of the bicycle, it's my responsibility to steer our relationship to assure we reach the desired destinations.  Obviously then, the beautiful Serafina, my partner in all things, is the rear wheel.  Her love and devotion, and yes even her surrender, are the forces that power our relationship.

Make no mistake, regardless of who makes the final decisions, the relationship is a true partnership.  A bicycle loses it's identity - ceases to exist - without a rear wheel, instead it becomes a unicycle.  So a Dominant needs a submissive, a Master must have a slave, in order to be complete, in order to be worthy of the title.

Our relationship is not unlike the Yin-Yang symbol, the two poles of cosmic energy are yang (positive) and yin (negative).  Yin and Yang are associated respectively with the masculine and the feminine, the strong and the weak, the light and the dark, the firm and the yielding.  At the root of Yin’s existence is Yang; at the root of Yang’s is Yin.

I also see a parallel in Tantric teachings . . .

"The entire universe is a manifestation of pure consciousness. In manifesting the universe, this pure consciousness seems to become divided into two poles or aspects, neither of which can exist without the other. One aspect retains a static quality and remains identified with unmanifest consciousness. In Tantra this quality is called Shiva, and is conceptualized as masculine… The other part of this polarity is a dynamic, energetic, or creative aspect that is called Shakti, the great mother of the universe, for it is from her that all is born."

Swami Rama

The Tantric analogy is perhaps my favorite of the bunch. In my mind Tantra and BDSM are intertwined.  Although some Tantric "purists" would say that BDSM activities and Tantra are mutually exclusive, I'd disagree, strongly.  More than 15 years ago, when I first started studying Tantra, I found direct similarities in the altered states of consciousness that BDSM and Tantric practices can create.

Using the word "similarities" is probably a terrific understatement. I'm convinced that some fairly well known altered states of consciousness created by BDSM (sub-space and top-space are two commonly used names for this phenomena) are exactly the same as the headspace created by Tantric practices and rituals.  So it's simple for me to transmute the archetypes of Shiva and Shakti into the roles Serafina and I play for each other.

Ahhhhh, I begin to digress . . .

I believe that Serafina prefers the bicycle analogy best of all that I've offered.  It's by far the most universally understood, and there is more than a little personal history as well.  But, that is also a story for another time . . .

I hope it's been your pleasure, dear reader, to make our acquaintance.  We will return soon with more postings detailing our life together as a couple, as we explore Spiritual BDSM.