"breaking" a submissive . . .

I've seen a number of posts recently on the topic of "breaking" a submissive, a subject on which I have many of my own thoughts to share.  However, before inflicting my opinions upon you, my dear reader, I'd like to begin by quoting another dominant I've grown to respect greatly.

Here is Omega's opening comment from the Power Exchange where he penned a post called Breaking the Girl.  It's as good an introduction to this topic as any I've seen:

It conjurs the image of a wild horse, the animal being roped. She struggles, fighting wildly against it. Eventually calming, only to have a rider on her back. The sensation, odd at first she bucks fiercely trying to knock the rider off. After several times, she calms, relaxing into it, accepting the rider. Eventually it sinks in, she intrinsically understands it is hopeless to effect a change.
She becomes dependent on her owner, who feeds her, washes her down after a ride and she remains fiercely loyal to her owner. The horse is broken, but has gained a greater purpose in service to her owner.
It is important to keep reminding one self; women are not horses.

As was once said in a hit song, "I second that emotion."  Let me reiterate, "It is important to keep reminding one self; women are not horses."  I'm a dominant who's also a bit of a sexual sadist, but I don't believe in tearing people down to build them up, and I don't believe in breaking submissives.  If that's your kink or your style, there's not a lot we can expect to have in common.

As Omega said, "The topic of breaking another conjures such great visceral responses."  I just want to make it clear that I am myself reacting viscerally, for a number of reasons.  If ya don't like what I'm saying, you are welcome to look elsewhere for your reading material, as this is one topic where I will not negotiate or debate.

Back in December I wrote a post that touched on this subject, where I said:

I have to admit watching a proud woman who is my equal kiss my boots is a far greater charge of excitement for me than were it done by a woman who was kissing them not out of honor, respect and devotion, but instead was slavishly attending my boots because she felt inferior.
Meh, sorry, being served by the downtrodden is no charge at all.  Nobody can give me proper respect if they have none for themselves.  I can't have any fun reducing someone to writhing like an animal, begging for pleasure, and then begging for the same pleasure to stop, if they are already surviving like an animal.
If a slave is somebody who has been totally devalued, I'd not want to command them, I'd want to shelter and protect them until they felt valued and human.  My style of domination isn't depersonalizing, in fact quite the opposite, it's expressed by continually pushing for growth, empowerment, and enlightenment within the rituals and devotions of submission.

I guess that's as good and succinct a comment as any I'd pen today on the topic.  So, with that in mind, I won't try to reiterate the points again, instead I'll attempt to illustrate with short story from my life.  It is very recent, and it's very raw in my psyche, because it involves an individual I've come to care about deeply, despite never having met in person.

Yesterday, Serafina and I were messaged by a dear friend who's been experiencing ups and downs in a long distance relationship with a dominant.  Our friend was devastated, she'd been crying, and she really needed a friendly shoulder.  I'd planned to hitch Serafina up to our new dungeon bed last night for a figging and a flogging, but plans for fun don't trump the real life needs of an individual we care about.  Meaning that instead my slave/wife spent two hours on the phone consoling our friend, who believes her relationship with her dom guy is over.

Our friend was destroyed by what had happened with her love, you might even say that for a moment, she felt broken by the turmoil, angst, and separation.  I'm not trying to say she was "broken" in the sense used in posts like "Breaking the Girl", where the discussion is more about dominants and submissives who fantasize and romanticize the act of breaking a submissive, instead I'm trying to make a correlated point.

My point is simply that there is no honor in "Breaking the Girl".  It's no accomplishment.  It's nothing to be proud of doing.  It's not even that hard to do, to break someone once you've asked them to put real faith in you.  It might be said that a submissive trusts a dominant in much the same manner as a child initially trusts a parent, in that the trust makes them very open and vulnerable.

It's not difficult to hurt a vulnerable person, it's not hard to break a vulnerable person.  Obviously, something that's not difficult to achieve is no real achievement, if you can understand that kind of logic.

Our friend was hurt simply because she was vulnerable, she was open.  She loved her dominant as a submissive lady should, he didn't return or repay her in kind.  In the end, it seems from my perspective, that he acted like a coward, becoming distant, rather than admitting that his compartmentalized life was designed for short illusive relationships.  She could never belong to him as long as he belonged to his wife . . .

Returning to my more personal commentary rather than a story about a friend. I have to add that a psychiatrist friend of mine calls me a "Master of the Obvious", as I often speak about things others have in front of their faces, but fail or refuse to note for themselves.  My writing, however, tends to be a little more obtuse, so I want to make sure today's message is crystal clear . . .

I can completely understand a person wanting to be "broken" in a very specific manner, as a part of a cathartic release, as a personal challenge, as part of a shamanic type ritual, or perhaps a few other scenarios involving a quest for personal growth or fulfillment.

Such activities must be approached with respect, and must have carefully planned preparations, a limited duration for their fulfillment, not to mention help with recovery from the ordeal.

That's different from breaking a horse, and it's different from truly breaking a submissive.

To "break" a girl as a regular planned part of bringing about their submission, to break them in the sense of creating a quivering creature that is kept in her place with dependence and fear, to make her obedient like a trained animal, isn't exactly a recipe for a better slave.  It's quite the opposite in fact.

In the end, it just seems like a recipe for creating post traumatic stress disorder.


POST SOUNDTRACK - I Second That Emotion by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

Finding Submission -a very honest question

I was cruising through the list of blogs we visit like I often do.  Sometimes I comment if I think that I can contribute something positive or constructive.

 Today I found a post with a very simple question, and it inspired me to ponder the question.  Just how much of what makes a person who is willing to become a Submissive slave compelling to a Dominant becomes lost as she looses herself to her Dominant?  In other words, How much does a Submissive repress their goals, talents, or even her natural charm to become what the Sub thinks the Dominant wants.  And is that the result the Dominant is looking for?

Photo by Serafna Samahdi

Ideally, I think it should be that a Dominant would desire to let her shine and polish and enhance her abilities.  I am not sure when and how that happens, but it seems that way, especially as I read fantasy and personal accounts of activities.

Perhaps it is because the authors assume their kink is everyone's kink.  Many authors leave out the  details about how enjoyable it was to be humiliated, used for sex, and dropped off when she did not get even one thing she longed and hoped  for in the beginning of the story.  It escapes me somehow that a smart, talented person who jeopardize her entire career to do things that would bring any hopes of success to a complete halt by public scandal, yet I read stories like that so much of the time. 

I am guessing that a lot of what is fantasy is simply that . . . fantasy.  I have no issues with fantasy.  I do have concerns that people are less able to separate fantasy from facts of living, and begin to live out aspects of fantasy that are fool-hearty.

I am also aware that there are submissives who do not have clear goals, dreams or even a clue about many things and might be in need of mentoring from a qualified Dominant.

I do struggle with 24/7 slavery at times.  I do not struggle at all with submission.  I embrace submission with all I am and have.  I willingly sacrifice my agendas, and ideas to support that of Master.  But I do think for myself.  I don't believe that another person has any obligation to deliver punishment.  I believe personally that everyone has an obligation to self-correct as much as possible.  I also believe that every person has the right to ask for assistance if they feel defeated in their own efforts.  However I am also convinced that attempting to control behavior, actions and thoughts by force of any kind does no good and brings resentment to both the Dominant and the Submissive.

I do welcome comments, as I am being incredibly transparent with my questions and thoughts. I am happy to try and expand what is not clear to our dear readers.

Thanks for stopping by.
Respectfully,
Serafina Samadhi

EDIT:  I want everyone to be aware that I am very deeply devoted to Master Michael.  He is very careful to actually encourage me to become the very best me I can be. . he is even allowing me to attend Belly-Dance classes.  He would give me the moon if I wanted it.  Master is not the problem, just so you know. 

Training Serafina

I'll never forget the first time I began to discuss "slave training" with my darling Serafina, as her response was priceless . . .

"Do you think I'm some kind of dog or something?"

Obviously, I'd hit a nerve.

The word "training" had some serious negative connotations in her eyes.  "Training" was something that is done to make animals more obedient, not something done to humans.  And, while we were at it, the word "Pet" as applied to a submissive had some baggage for her too.  "Training" was how she got her pet to come on command.

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself.

I guess this wasn't a good time to tell her that I intended to train her to cum on command . . .

You see, the word "training" never had any negative meaning to me personally.

My family has always been heavily into volunteerism.  For instance, my father was an volunteer athletic coach as a hobby.  It seemed he was always busy during the school year, coaching football in the fall, wrestling in the winter, and track in the spring.

Dad enjoyed teaching skills and instilling discipline, he was a master at building a real team out of a diverse group of youngsters.  I helped with coaching for several years, and invariably our football teams would finish first, or at worst second, in our region.  Every year he coached, one of his wrestlers and one of his runners would take city honors.

In my eyes "training" was an everyday human activity.  From my perspective "training" was a way to build a better and stronger individual, both physically and mentally.  Even fundamental activities like eating were part of the process.  The mentality was that breakfast, lunch and supper were not meals, they were part of the "training table."

As I write these words and reflect on my earlier years, I'm even better understanding myself and my proclivities.  My basic interest in BDSM isn't explained by my youthful coaching activities, but it does to an extent explain my interest in protocols and training.  And, it just dawned on me that I've been called "Sir" since I was just 14, and from that age I have been training individuals, in one form or another.

But I digress . . .

When Serafina made her statement about training, I hadn't yet connected the word "training" from my youthful sports activities to the BDSM training context.  That might have been a good analogy to help Serafina understand how training and discipline are a part of my nature and personality.

I think at the time I simply asked her if she trusted me not to truly hurt or abuse her.  When she responded that I had earned her trust, I believe I told her not to worry her pretty little head about the details, or the negative connotations of some words.  I also remember telling Serafina that with time and experience she'd understand better.  I remember predicting that she'd come to crave having Master's undivided attention devoted to her "training."

At that time, I'm sure my answer was unsatisfying.  Maybe it still is to a certain extent.  Fortunately, her trust in me was/is very strong.

Serafina is a remarkable individual who has lived an extraordinary life.  She raised four children, schooled them too.  She's more than just competent in any kind of endeavor on which she embarks, be it artistic, domestic, intellectual, educational, personal, or business related.  She's a wonderfully thoughtful, compassionate, and vibrant person.

But, she didn't really know anything about being my slave.  And, that's my cue to come back to the title of this posting.

I'm happy to teach her about submission, to take her deeper and deeper into my dominance.  I see it as a lifelong process, where we are learning and growing together on a mutual journey.   She's fully accepting of my role as Master, and she thrives in her submission to me.

Yet, even today, she still see's a difference between the words "training" and "education."  So, perhaps she'd prefer that I call  it "butt education" rather than "anal training" when I play with her ass.   I'm not sure, it's a question I've never asked because the particular words aren't that important to me.

As the lead wheel in our relationship, I do have a fair view of the path just ahead, and I'll do my best to shape the journey.  But, while I might see tomorrow fairly clearly, the future is always uncertain.  I can no more predict where we will be a year or five years from now, than I can see around the curve of the earth.  Many things are beyond the control of even the best Master or Mistress.

So, call the portions of our BDSM play where I direct and control her education, experiences, and responses a name like "slave training," or another name altogether, it makes no difference to me.  I learned a long time ago that the journey is what is important.

And for that journey, there is a collar around Serafina's neck, it's attached to my lead.  Whether anyone else can physically see the lead is immaterial, we know it's there and it's a bond that shall remain unbroken.  Serafina's my best friend, confidante, and my lover; but, she's also my slave/wife.  She's along for the full duration of the ride in every one of those roles.

What else matters?