trying out kink.com - review of WiredPussy.com membership site

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Ball Gags and Phthalates - another installment of "Not in Her Mouth"

unsafe ballgag due to phythalates

I own this gag, or I once did.

Not this specific individual gag, as I never shared my toybox with anyone at gagged.com where this picture originated.  But, it's safe to say I have a gag of this kind, one that looks exactly like this.  I purchased the gag in the Fall of 2001, while on a vacation.

When vacationing, travelling our country's interstate highway system, I've always had a habit of stopping at every sleazy XXX video store I encounter.  It's an odd pastime, but one I find quite entertaining.  Before the explosion of online shopping opportunities for BDSM gear, it was also a way to keep finding interesting items for my toybag.

I've instructed my slave/wife Serafina to go thru my boxes of old and surplus BDSM gear later this week, to see if I can find the old gag and include a better picture of it with this post.  I'm not sure if it's still around though, because it was "removed from service" due to issues with the rubber ball portion of the ball gag.

I own several ball-gags.  It's not a strong fetish for me, but gags are something I truly enjoy.  I guess I'm lucky that way. I have a great appreciation for most fetishes and fetish items, but I have no strong fetishes myself, leaving me free to explore almost endless possibilities and variations in BDSM play.

In my experience, it's rare to find a submissive who actually enjoys being gagged, but in the end it's also rare for one to totally refuse to to allow me the pleasure of using a gag on them.  It's a matter of safety, and ultimately, a matter of trust.

I've always openly advised submissives to never allow someone they don't implicitly trust to use a gag upon them.  I think that advice is just common sense, but common sense doesn't always take precedence when a terrible ache in a clit or cock just begs for relief.  So, I always advise people to be educated before they try more serious BDSM toys and techniques, including the use of gags.

To be very honest, I've also always been a fan of the "damsel in distress" school of bondage, and gags are almost an absolute necessity for this style.  That has shaped my evolution as a dominant.  Because of my style and those safety warnings, the onus is completely on me to earn a submissive's full trust if I wish to endeavor to play the kind of kinky games I most desire.

OK, enough generalities for now about safety and trust in BDSM, let's get back to my discussion of this particular gag.

It's a pretty enough gag, the red leather and black ball are exactly opposite the most common ball gag combination, black leather and red ball.  In the case of the gagged.com picture I've borrowed for this article, the black ball nicely accentuates this model's bright red lipstick.  A dear old friend of mine used to call that shade "cocksucker red" - although I've never found it listed under that name by Maybelline.

In terms of construction, the red leather of the straps was very nice and soft.  I suspect they are made from goat skin leather, which is also fairly commonly used for making women's leather fashion garments.  Serafina has a lovely red corset made of goat skin leather that's just like the feel and texture of the straps on this gag.

The buckle and rivet hardware was at least adequate, although I personally prefer shiny chrome steel hardware.  I'll always remember reading about the old Leatherman fashion edict that chrome and brass fittings should never be mixed in a single outfit, and this gag has neither.  I suppose that the color of the hardware wouldn't matter when it's used on someone who's mostly naked, and it's not of great concern to the proper look of a damsel in distress type of scene anyway.

The ball itself, the "working" portion of the gag, is large and solid.  The rubber ball is soft and yielding yet still very firm, very much like dildos and other insertable toys made from "jelly rubber."  At least a little bigger in circumference than most other ball gags, the rubber ball is a real mouthful, probably too big for a smaller submissive like Serafina.

All things considered, it was a functional gag, somewhat unique, pretty enough as those kind of things go, but the  rubber ball poses a real problem.   The dark but slightly translucent soft rubber undoubtedly contains phthalates - a chemical cousin of naphthalene.  Phthalates are commonly used as plasticizers, they make PVC and other rubber products more flexible and transparent, and in some cases more durable too.

It turns out, the soft and flexible, slightly translucent rubber ball used for this gag is like a poster child for rubber made with phthalates.  Not only does the rubber's soft texture indicate the likely presence of phthalates, it's semi-transparent appearance virtually guarantees the presence of that toxic chemical.

I wrote about phthalates a few weeks ago here at SpiritualBDSM.com in an essay titled - the smell is like napalm but it doesn't smell like victory - Phthalates pt. 1.  If you don't want to bother reading the whole essay, (I think it's entertaining enough but I know some folks are pressed for time,) the summation is pretty simple . . .  You don't want phthalates put where they can easily be absorbed, meaning that oral, anal and vaginal use are verboten.

That's the bad news, that gags like these need to be assigned to the circular file, consigned to the trash bin.  The aren't really safe for use by humans.  The good news is that there is no reason to stop using all ball gags, there are plenty of ways to avoid filling a submissive's mouth with plasticizer.

Safe ball gags are made of inert materials like silicone, and other phtyalate free materials.  Other alternatives to ball gags include: the classic panty gag, scarves, bandannas, rope gags, fingers, and tape (just to name a few.)  That doesn't seem too limiting, does it?

For liability purposes, I'm probably supposed to say something to the effect that you should not try this in your own home, that activities involving gags are inherently dangerous, in extreme cases a mishap could result in death.  That's all true, but many if not most of life's activities could qualify for that same disclaimer, including showering alone or driving a car.

People drawn to BDSM and fetish activities are eventually going to want to try the activities they see portrayed in pictures and video, and nothing I can say here on this website will change human nature.  So I will simply conclude with a strong warning, but one that acknowledges that adults often consent to a wide range of risky activities for excitement, it's part of being human.

Always play safe when using gags.

Educate yourself, not just with this cursory glance at gags and gagging, but with a variety of sources and authorities.  Always obtain proper consent before using a gag.  Never leave a gagged submissive alone, or unattended.  And, always have a pre-arranged safety signal in place for times when a safeword can't be uttered.

Any questions?

my twisted mind at play

BUCKET LIST for Michael Samadhi - dominate a couple with my slave/wife as co-conspirator.

The first time I tied up a girlfriend for sex was in 1980, so I’ve been actively directing/participating in BDSM activities for more than 30 years. It’s been a wonderful ride, and I’ve lived out a great many of the fantasies of my youth.

When I was only 17, I tied up my girlfriend Elise (with her consent) to take her virginity. I’m guessing that not many dominants have shared that experience. I was just getting started. I tied up my first wife on our wedding night, tormenting her for hours before “consummating” our marriage. I was just getting started …

I’ve directed countless MFF threeways, a few MMF scenes, and one MMMF that was worthy of cinema. I once did an extended MFF scene in the same room as a pair of gay men who were watched as they made out and sucked each other.

But, I realized the other day that I’ve never dominated a couple. Thinking it over, it came to me it is one of the few desires have that hasn’t been fulfilled.

There are a lot of interesting possibilities that immediately enter my twisted mind if I stop to fantasize on scenarios of this kind. It’s really quite appealing - (said with deliberate understatement.)

Serafina and I aren’t actively looking to “play” with others at this point, her training is my priority. She’s earned my exclusive attention for the immediate future. I’ve never moved so slowly in training a submissive to be my slave as I am with Serafina. I have to say that drawing out our play over long extended periods of time, incorporating D/s into every level of our relationship, has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.

Eventually though, I’d like to train a couple, immersing them and their lives into a D/s dynamic, just as surely as I’ve taken Serafina down that road.  If nothing else, it's a worthy dream.

a cross post . . .

I suppose there are at least two ways to interpret the title, one of them being that I'm angry.  I assure you that despite featuring eyes with tears in them as it's image, this post is far more complex, and has nothing to do with any kind of real anger.

It's x-posted from tumblr, where Serafina and I also blog.

Master to Serafina


My darling Serafina desires to serve me perfectly.
Humans aren’t perfect.
She cries too if she’s fallen short … 
One or twice, watching the display, I’ve gotten hard.  Very hard.  Urgently.
This is the first time I’ve shared that fact.  I’m a little ashamed that real crying could have such a visceral effect.  Perhaps it simply revolved around knowing how desperately she wants to please me, but, I also know it’s source could be darker.
Dominants are complex and less than perfect too.


Serafina to Master


I do not expect you to be perfect as I know how imperfect I am.  And, yes my goal is to follow and serve you so that you will be happy with me.  When the tears begin I am basically undone, and ready to retreat into oblivion.  When you get angry with me, unless I know fully well how and why I earned it, it makes me feel unworthy.  Even if you express just the smallest measure of disappointment, it affects me deeply with a resolve to do better next time or fix it right away.
I am supper sensitive…when my boys were little one of them would do his own thing regardless of punishments or discipline used.  What he was forbidden to do he would get right back where he’d left off.  The other was so tuned in to me that all I had to look at him and he would literally wither.  He seldom needed further correction.  I am by far as sensitive and more. 
There is no darker side, unless something triggers a flash-back.  At that time I just need you to draw me in very close and hold me.  Allow me cry a bit, or fill you in on what is going on, so we can continue, perhaps with a bit different activity, which is what you have done in the past.

What is Sitophilia?

DISCLAIMER - This posting begins with a very intimate account of Michael Samadhi's first exposure to a specific sexual fetish - Sitophilia.  This account is true and accurate, and is intended solely to illustrate the topic of this post.  If honest accounts of underage sexuality are personally offensive, please leave this page immediately.  In no way should this posting be taken as encouraging sexual activity between adults and minors (pedophilia) in any manner shape or form.  Serafina and I are both survivors of sexual abuse when we were youths, and as such we absolutely abhor the act of sexualizing children.  However, no one is served by pretending children themselves are unaware of sex.  Education is one key to preventing abuse, so please educate yourselves, and your children, to prevent child sexual abuse.

One early winter morning when I was about fourteen years old, my Mother got a call from her best friend Toni, who was in a terrible frenzy.  I'd already been awake for a few minutes, trying my best to be still and silent while masturbating under the covers.  At first, I was upset about the interruption caused by the phone, but then I realized this call wasn't going to be a problem for me at all.  You see, Toni had caught her daughter masturbating with a hot dog, just moments before placing the call.  I was good friends with her daughter Shelly, as we often swam and biked together during summertime.  I'd noticed her body maturing as we entered puberty together, but still had it in my mind that girls didn't want, and were not interested at all in sex.  Now I knew better.  By the end of that next summer, I'd lost my virginity to Shelly.  I mean how could I help myself from wanting to replace Oscar Mayer's wiener with my own.

This is Michael Samadhi, and that's a true story.

About a month ago I started what I intend to be a continuing series of essays discussing specific fetishes with a posting on Forniphilia.  That post was inspired, at least in part, by observing children at play in a Dentist's office.  As you might guess, inspiration comes to me in strange times and places, and in strange ways too.

I was inspired today by two very different blogs.

The first moment of inspiration was from a food blog called the Vibrant Chef.  A lovely lady chef from Vancouver, the Vibrant Chef describes herself by saying:

 "I promote Ethical Eating and community building. I love beauty in the form of food, people, and ideas."  

On her blog there's a reoccurring series called 'Food Fetish' that features individuals from the Vancouver region expressing their love of a specific food accompanied by sexy but tasteful photos that should be workplace friendly for most folks.

The other inspiration was decidedly not workplace safe, a blog named Between My Sheets, and a posting called Food, Glorious Food.  It's a guest post by a writer named Victoria Blisse, who's written a novel incorporating more than a little food play into the storyline.  The post also includes a simple sexy recipe.

Obviously, after that introduction, it should be clear I'm going to be discussing another fairly common fetish activity.  It's called Sitophilia by doctors of all kinds - (MD & PhD) - but to you and I, it's probably known as Food Play or Food Fetish.

Food play, aka Sitophilia, is a form of sexual fetishism in which participants are aroused by erotic situations involving food.  Sometimes the scientific and medical professions get a little odd in their naming conventions, and the term Sitophilia would seem to be one of them.  I can't easily find the name's origin online, but it's certainly listed among sexual fetishes in the old psychological textbooks.

The topic of sexually stimulating herbs and foods is one worthy of it's own postings, but it's a related topic that at least needs to be acknowledged here.  In some cultures it is believed that consuming certain food items can cause, or increase, sexual arousal.  Quite a few different foods and herbs are considered to be aphrodisiacs, and that's also true for some specific animal parts.  Chocolate, for instance, is a widely considered to be an aphrodisiac, an assumption that sheds more than a little light on the tradition of giving chocolates to our lovers on Valentine's Day.  Oysters have a similar reputation, as do a number of other foods.

Eating itself can be a sensual activity, so food play can come in a great variety of shapes and forms.   Among the most obvious food candidates for purely sexual use are a number of fruits and vegetables with phallic shapes that make them primary candidates for insertion.

Here, we're talking the food sex "classics" like banana, cucumber, and zuchinni.  Gourds and corn are perhaps less commonly used, but fall into the same general group.  Also categorized with the insertable fruits and vegetables are some cooked and processed meats, items like summer sausage and hot dogs, a topic I touched in the introduction.

Then there is the other side of the coin, items that aren't inserted, but instead can be made to facilitate a man's cock for a simulated fucking. Traditional items in this category include watermelon or pumpkin, but, an entire generation has also been exposed to at least one baked good alternative, as in the movie American Pie.

Yet another form of foodplay is the Japanese tradition of Nyotaimori.  This is the practice of serving sushi from the body of a naked woman, also commonly called "body sushi."  Here's a quotation describing the practice:

Before becoming a living sushi platter, the person (usually a woman) is trained to lie down for hours without moving. She or he must also be able to withstand the prolonged exposure to the cold food. Before service, the individual is supposed to have taken a bath using a special fragrance-free soap and then finished off with a splash of cold water to cool the body down somewhat for the sushi.
    -- Jack Herbert on Nyotaimori (body sushi), Japan for the Uninvited

It shouldn't be surprising that a sexualized activity like Nyotaimori is a controversial topic in Japan.  While some highly prize the tradition and it's eroticism, other's call it a, "National disgrace for Japanese women." It's beyond the scope of coverage I'd like to include here, but there's a nice fairly recent article in The Japan Times about the controversy, if anyone is interested in more background on this topic.

Within the BDSM community, food play can take on a great number of other guises as well.  Masters and Mistresses can choose to control their submissive's eating habits and food intake as a regular part of their D/s play.  I've observed a number of references to this type of practice in submissive's journals online, but have never yet attempted it myself.

Food play is also used directly in BDSM scenes, where a submissive might be blindfolded for surprise and to increase her sense of taste, and then fed a variety of foods.  The movie 9 1/2 Weeks, while flawed in a number of other ways, features a great food scene of this kind between Mickey Rourke's and Kim Basinger's characters.

While some food play may be relatively mild in it's intensity, other forms can go towards the other extreme. Some dominants may go as far as restraining their submissive's hands in some way, followed by instructions to eat from a bowl on the floor.  For individuals into erotic humiliation or pet play, this can be a highly charged activity.

I'd like to wrap up today's essay now, despite knowing that there are a great number of variations on the theme of food play I've ignored in this post.  By no means am I attempting to be encyclopedic in my presentation, so there's plenty of room to revisit this subject.

If I've missed a favorite activity of yours, don't hesitate to let me know, and I'll gladly include your personal style of food play in another post, when I'm inspired to revisit this topic at a later date.

a gift of scene music

A couple of months ago, we shared a link to a free music download from Dead Can Dance, a wonderful group that produces great music for BDSM scenes. Here's my description of the band from that earlier post:

If you are not at all familiar with Dead Can Dance, they are described at Wikipedia as being "An ethereal neoclassical duo formed in Melbourne, Australia, in August 1981, by Lisa Gerrard and Brendan Perry."

Dead Can Dance's music as a whole is hard to describe, as their musical output is very eclectic. However, despite the wide variety of influences evident, everything from gothic to Middle Eastern and Celtic, their musical output is almost always suitable for use during a scene.

Well friends, Dead Can Dance are at it again.  A notice in my email this morning titled "Live Happenings - Part II" served to alert me that a new download is available. 

Training Serafina

I'll never forget the first time I began to discuss "slave training" with my darling Serafina, as her response was priceless . . .

"Do you think I'm some kind of dog or something?"

Obviously, I'd hit a nerve.

The word "training" had some serious negative connotations in her eyes.  "Training" was something that is done to make animals more obedient, not something done to humans.  And, while we were at it, the word "Pet" as applied to a submissive had some baggage for her too.  "Training" was how she got her pet to come on command.

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself.

I guess this wasn't a good time to tell her that I intended to train her to cum on command . . .

You see, the word "training" never had any negative meaning to me personally.

My family has always been heavily into volunteerism.  For instance, my father was an volunteer athletic coach as a hobby.  It seemed he was always busy during the school year, coaching football in the fall, wrestling in the winter, and track in the spring.

Dad enjoyed teaching skills and instilling discipline, he was a master at building a real team out of a diverse group of youngsters.  I helped with coaching for several years, and invariably our football teams would finish first, or at worst second, in our region.  Every year he coached, one of his wrestlers and one of his runners would take city honors.

In my eyes "training" was an everyday human activity.  From my perspective "training" was a way to build a better and stronger individual, both physically and mentally.  Even fundamental activities like eating were part of the process.  The mentality was that breakfast, lunch and supper were not meals, they were part of the "training table."

As I write these words and reflect on my earlier years, I'm even better understanding myself and my proclivities.  My basic interest in BDSM isn't explained by my youthful coaching activities, but it does to an extent explain my interest in protocols and training.  And, it just dawned on me that I've been called "Sir" since I was just 14, and from that age I have been training individuals, in one form or another.

But I digress . . .

When Serafina made her statement about training, I hadn't yet connected the word "training" from my youthful sports activities to the BDSM training context.  That might have been a good analogy to help Serafina understand how training and discipline are a part of my nature and personality.

I think at the time I simply asked her if she trusted me not to truly hurt or abuse her.  When she responded that I had earned her trust, I believe I told her not to worry her pretty little head about the details, or the negative connotations of some words.  I also remember telling Serafina that with time and experience she'd understand better.  I remember predicting that she'd come to crave having Master's undivided attention devoted to her "training."

At that time, I'm sure my answer was unsatisfying.  Maybe it still is to a certain extent.  Fortunately, her trust in me was/is very strong.

Serafina is a remarkable individual who has lived an extraordinary life.  She raised four children, schooled them too.  She's more than just competent in any kind of endeavor on which she embarks, be it artistic, domestic, intellectual, educational, personal, or business related.  She's a wonderfully thoughtful, compassionate, and vibrant person.

But, she didn't really know anything about being my slave.  And, that's my cue to come back to the title of this posting.

I'm happy to teach her about submission, to take her deeper and deeper into my dominance.  I see it as a lifelong process, where we are learning and growing together on a mutual journey.   She's fully accepting of my role as Master, and she thrives in her submission to me.

Yet, even today, she still see's a difference between the words "training" and "education."  So, perhaps she'd prefer that I call  it "butt education" rather than "anal training" when I play with her ass.   I'm not sure, it's a question I've never asked because the particular words aren't that important to me.

As the lead wheel in our relationship, I do have a fair view of the path just ahead, and I'll do my best to shape the journey.  But, while I might see tomorrow fairly clearly, the future is always uncertain.  I can no more predict where we will be a year or five years from now, than I can see around the curve of the earth.  Many things are beyond the control of even the best Master or Mistress.

So, call the portions of our BDSM play where I direct and control her education, experiences, and responses a name like "slave training," or another name altogether, it makes no difference to me.  I learned a long time ago that the journey is what is important.

And for that journey, there is a collar around Serafina's neck, it's attached to my lead.  Whether anyone else can physically see the lead is immaterial, we know it's there and it's a bond that shall remain unbroken.  Serafina's my best friend, confidante, and my lover; but, she's also my slave/wife.  She's along for the full duration of the ride in every one of those roles.

What else matters?